Clock jokes
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?
He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.
What do you call a clever clock?
Clockwise.
Why did the girls sit on the clock?
To be on time.
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
Last night I remember partying with friends to find blood on my nightstand.
Moments after, I scolded my friends to put my alarm clock back where they found it.
What happens when a clock is hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.
What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.
I was falling down the stairs at my local clock tower.
I somehow broke more than 206. I broke 342!
What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.
Why did the kid throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
Have you tried eating a clock?
It's time-consuming!
What type of clock is both cringe and an app?
TikTok.
Why did the clock out the library?
It tocked too much!
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.
In the morning at 6:30 AM,
Teacher: Who fought in World War I?
Me: Trump & Biden.
Teacher: Oh ok... well good job class, see you tomorrow and study your books.
After school,
Teacher: Oh God those kids know nothing.
"She looks at her clock."
Teacher: And now I am sewed.
I went to a museum and saw clocks. The owner told me these were lying clocks.
"This is God's clock. It never moved because he never lied."
"This is your clock. It moved 3 times because you lied 3 times."
I asked where is President Trump's clock. He said it was at the equator, spinning super fast for those who were on fire. I laughed so hard because it was so true!
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where’s Trump’s clock?"
"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.