I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging. -- Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
My Friend-Evan-What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate-Me-Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
A priest, Kelly Clarkson, and Ian Watkins all walk into a bar... only for the bartender to exclaim, "We don't serve your kind around here!" Then he muttered in a low voice, "Fucking paedos."
Depression is like having anxiety but with more voices.
Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying , Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died and two weeks later Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next.
Roses are red, life has no meaning, voices in my head, are constantly screaming.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him", so i couldn't do a fatality. I was confused but i understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
Me: I found a group of furries in the woods
voice in back: Well it looks like we're going huntin'
Freddie Mercury was on top of the music world. That's only the 2nd thing he was a top in.
911, what’s your emergency? I asked, and listening to the quiet sobs of a litte kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me” the girl said and cried making me freeze on the spot as i recognized my daughter’s voice.
I know the voices in my head aren't real but man so they have some good ideas
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
What did Mickey mouse, and Michael Jackson have in common? : (What don't they have in common) Same red shorts, theme park in their backyard, white glove, soft voices, loved children, they both were black with white faces,
Why couldn't the pony sing a song?
He was a little horse.
What noise did Steven Hawkings make when he died? Windows Shutting down
Are you the voices I've been hearing? because I can't seem to get you out of my head. (Schizophrenic RIZZ)
