Speed jokes
What bumps up and down at 100km an hour?
A baby tied to the back of a speeding truck.
Why are supercars so super? Because it is superfast, lol.
Ever wondered why Usain Bolt runs fast? He's training to outrun the cops.
Why did the ion always lose at Go Fish?
Because he was playing with a cheetah!
The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!
Who reads the fastest?
The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
Who are the fastest readers? Nine-eleven victims, because they fell through 720 stories in under 10 seconds.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch cold.
You make Sanic look like a PRINCESS when he's next to you.
What mountain do people like to race on?
Mount Rushmore.
Get it?
What do you call a wheelchair user in a fire?
Hot Wheels.
Why are tomatoes 🍅 the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
If Leo were any slower, she’d be going BACKWARD.
Racecar backwards is racecar, but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.
Codenames for them FUCKING drugs, my crackhead ngas.
Cannabis: Weed, Pot, Ganja, Herb, Grass, Mary Jane, Bud, Chronic, Kush, Trees, Hash, Hashish (concentrates).
Cocaine: Coke, Blow, Snow, Dust, Charlie, White girl, Pearl, Nose candy, Rail, Sniff.
Crack Cocaine: Rock, Hard, Nuggets, Dice, Jelly beans, Moon rocks, Sugar block.
Heroin: Smack, H, Dope, Junk, Black tar, Brown sugar, China white, Horse, Dragon, Skag.
Methamphetamine (Meth): Crank, Speed, Chalk, Ice, Crystal, Glass, Shards, Tina.
MDMA (Ecstasy/Molly): E, X, XTC, Molly, Beans, Adam, Happy pill, Love drug, Dancing shoes.
LSD: Acid, Tabs, Doses, Dots, Blotter, Window pane, Sugar cubes.
Ketamine: Special K, K, Vitamin K, Cat Valium, Green K.
What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?
A baby in a blender.
What do we want? Racecar noises!
When do we want them? NEOWWWWW!
It’s like Sonic always says, “If you’re ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?”
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.