Why did the cheetah lose in chess? Because he played against cheetahs!
What's white, yellow and goes 40 mph?
A train driver's egg sandwich.
If someone's debating the speed of light and a drunk Russian, the Russian would take speed to grab a falling wallet.
Who would win in a race, Stephen Hawking or a turtle?
The turtle, because it can walk.
Girls are like roller coasters; the faster you go, the louder they scream.
Your mama so slow, she went by a TV and missed eight episodes.
Yo mama so fat, it took the Flash 40 years to run around her.
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
They said I couldn't drive.
Now they know I can't cause they are all dead.
Driving on a road at night and hit a speed bump. Remember, there are no speed bumps... I hit Bambi!
What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour?
A baby tied to the back of a pick up truck.
I went to a museum and saw clocks. The owner told me these were lying clocks.
"This is God's clock. It never moved because he never lied."
"This is your clock. It moved 3 times because you lied 3 times."
I asked where is President Trump's clock. He said it was at the equator, spinning super fast for those who were on fire. I laughed so hard because it was so true!
Why did Paul Walker die? Because he crashed a car into a tree.
I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.
A turtle was walking down the street when suddenly a snail came and robbed him. When the police came, they asked what happened. The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
What bumps up and down at 100km an hour?
A baby tied to the back of a speeding truck.
Wanna hear the car joke?
Nah, it's too fast for you.
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims – they went 89 stories in ten seconds.
Roses are red, violets are blue, The children are fast, But Elmo is faster, Bow down to your master!
