Speed jokes
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
My friend and I joined a french fry eating contest, but I just couldn't ketchup. So we switched to cheeseburgers, but I still couldn't mustard up the speed to lettuce win. I mayo not have thought this through.
So we switched to fruits, but when it got to the watermelons, I started to feel a little green. My friend couldn't seed the point of us continuing anymore. I just couldn't digest the stress, I guess! :D
Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?
Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!
Why can't cheetahs run forever? Because they run out of breath!
Why did the cheetah lose in chess? Because he played against cheetahs!
What's white, yellow and goes 40 mph?
A train driver's egg sandwich.
If someone's debating the speed of light and a drunk Russian, the Russian would take speed to grab a falling wallet.
Who would win in a race, Stephen Hawking or a turtle?
The turtle, because it can walk.
Girls are like roller coasters; the faster you go, the louder they scream.
Your mama so slow, she went by a TV and missed eight episodes.
Yo mama so fat, it took the Flash 40 years to run around her.
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
They said I couldn't drive.
Now they know I can't cause they are all dead.
Driving on a road at night and hit a speed bump. Remember, there are no speed bumps... I hit Bambi!
What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour?
A baby tied to the back of a pick up truck.
I went to a museum and saw clocks. The owner told me these were lying clocks.
"This is God's clock. It never moved because he never lied."
"This is your clock. It moved 3 times because you lied 3 times."
I asked where is President Trump's clock. He said it was at the equator, spinning super fast for those who were on fire. I laughed so hard because it was so true!
Why did Paul Walker die? Because he crashed a car into a tree.
I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.
A turtle was walking down the street when suddenly a snail came and robbed him. When the police came, they asked what happened. The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
What bumps up and down at 100km an hour?
A baby tied to the back of a speeding truck.