Health jokes

What’s a vegetable’s favorite dance?

The cabbage patch.

I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.

My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"

Is it OK to tell a Covid patient to stay positive?

Why did the dick go insane?

Someone kept messing with his head.

A genealogist looks at the family tree.

A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

What’s worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs!

We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

What's black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.

A Thai woman ran into a wall. What does she break?

Her boner.

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

What do you call it when a gay guy farts?

An abortion.

When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.

When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!

Knock, knock. Who's there? An armless person. Why? They got stumped on why they contacted you.

They said time heals all wounds, well, I broke your watch.

A man walks into a bar... Oww!

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.