Health jokes

What do you give a pig when it has a rash?

Oinkment.

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

I am thinking of removing my spine.

It's only holding me back.

A man walks into a bar.

He had to have 13 stitches!

The CCP should be pleased. COVID is the longest thing to have ever been made in China.

How does the skeleton call his friends? With a tele-bone.

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it! 😌

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,

"Some asshole has my pen!"

A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.

The next day, he could see only one color... black.

The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is...

Wait, where are we again?

Last year, I got kicked out of the Hospital for telling COVID patients to stay positive!

What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?

The anesthesia takes time to put you under.

I was gonna tell a memory loss joke, but I forgot it.

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.

Then I waited for the results.

And the winner of the Tour de France is awarded, as ever, with the yellow jersey.

To remind him what color his piss is meant to be.

I'm stumped.

When a fat person steps on a scale, it says: “To be continued.”

When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.

When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!

What do you get if you eat sugar?

High.