Health jokes

I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.

We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.

If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

How do you know when a fat person stops eating? You read about it in the obituary.

What do you call it when a gay guy farts?

An abortion.

Them: What's on your arm?

Me: I'm training to breathe fire ;)

I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

Why can't people in Africa have medicine?

Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.

Her: "Land of the free".

Me: *fat*

Her: What do you mean?

Me: It's not fat-free.

Your mum is so fat, when I see her, I get depressed.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a teacher?

Lots of blood tests!

Yo mama so fat when the doctor saw her weight on the scale he said, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"

I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.

What part of a vegetable can't you eat? The wheelchair.

What's the difference between a paralyzed kid and a father?

The father gets to leave, while the kid stays.

What happens if you inhale too much nitrous oxide (laughing gas)?

You die of laughter.

Chuck Norris has come in contact with Covid.

Covid is now in a 14-day quarantine.

How do you get a depressed person to jump?

Put them on a bridge.

What's the most optimistic blood type? B+.

What disease causes wrinkled clothes? An iron deficiency.

A donut and depression are the same. Both have nothing in the middle, and the other is nothing is left if you leave it for too long.