Health jokes
My friends:
Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.
Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.
Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.
Me: You guys are getting sleep...
What do a doctor and a girlfriend/boyfriend have in common?
They both break your heart.
What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.
What do you call a person whose Lymphoma keeps recurring?
A Lymphomaniac.
A disabled man stands up.
A blind man says, "You can stand?"
A deaf man says, "You can see?"
A mute person says, "You can hear?"
The disabled man says, "You can talk!"
Doctor: "What the actual f**k"
Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.
When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.
I said that I have been ill.
Fat.
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
You're so fat, you only know the letters KFC.
What's the difference between my dad and cancer?
My dad didn't beat the cancer.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
This is how to die soft 101.
Yo bro, you good? You need a hug?
Why are quadriplegics so unsympathetic? Because they only have feeling in 10% of their body.
What’s better than winning the Paralympics wheelchair race?
Walking.
A young woman goes for her first gynecological exam, and the nurse has her take off her clothes, put on a gown, and get in the stirrups. She tells her the doctor will be in in a minute.
The doctor comes in and tells the young lady that she has one of the most beautiful vaginas he’s ever seen, and he has seen a lot of them. She thanks him for the compliment. He tells her he is about to start the examination, but he is going to have to numb her first, when she says ok, he goes:
"Num num num num num!"
What's the difference between herpes and my dad?
Herpes stays around.