Health jokes
How do you start a dance party?
Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.
Why is it cold in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
Why did the booty go to therapy?
It had some DEEP-SEATED issues.
Yo mama so old that her breastmilk was powdered. You breastfeed like this 🌬💨.
China wants their name on everything but the m.f. virus.
What is stuck between a doorway?
Rebel Wilson.
Quit making those progeria jokes. They get old very quickly.
I wanted to get brain surgery.
I changed my mind.
I went to a seafood shop.
I pulled a muscle.
Why are you so bonely, my friend? I am at least glad that you are not boneless.
How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?
It's only got 10 hours to live.
What do you call a fat person in a wheelchair?
A broken wheelchair.
Dark humor is like the plague; everyone was supposed to get it.
What's Juice Wrld's favorite salad? A seizure salad.
Yo mama so FAT... I tried to picture her in my head... AND SHE BROKE MY GOD DAMN NECK!
Disabled man stands up.
Blind man: “You can stand?”
Deaf man: “You can see?”
Mute man: “You can hear?”
Disabled man: “You can talk?”
Doctor: “What the actual fuck?”
Other doctor: “FUCK THIS, I QUIT!”
A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."
What happens when premenstrual Raggedy Ann gets with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Imagine this scenario: A doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses, diseases, etc. in the world but cooler like this: "Bumbumbum you have depression, diarrhea, and cancer,... etc."
And then the last one on the list is that he is deaf, and then the doctor shows the patient the list.
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)