Health jokes

Quit making those progeria jokes. They get old very quickly.

Why are you so bonely, my friend? I am at least glad that you are not boneless.

I went to a seafood shop.

I pulled a muscle.

Yo mama so old that her breastmilk was powdered. You breastfeed like this 🌬💨.

Why is it cold in hospitals?

To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.

Why did the booty go to therapy?

It had some DEEP-SEATED issues.

Imagine this scenario: A doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses, diseases, etc. in the world but cooler like this: "Bumbumbum you have depression, diarrhea, and cancer,... etc."

And then the last one on the list is that he is deaf, and then the doctor shows the patient the list.

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

What do you call an abortion in a bathtub?

Chunky Tomato Soup.

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Did you know that there is a new drug on the market for lesbians who are suffering from depression? It's called Trycoxagain.

A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

*The doctor asking why I've broken 19 bones in the past week*

*My abusive mum- Go on, tell him!*

Well what am I gonna do now...

Why did Susan drop her ice cream? She was hit by a bus.

What's red and sits in the corner?

A baby chewing on a razor blade.

What's green and sits in the corner?

Same baby, one week later.

What do you call an anorexic blond with a yeast infection?

... A quarter pounder with cheese.

Two lepers playing cards... one threw his hand in; the other laughed his head off.

I was gonna tell a joke about a dead fetus, but I decided to abort it.

I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?

Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.

My doctor told me it was perfectly normal to become aroused or even ejaculate during a prostate exam.

That being said I wish he hadn't!