Health jokes
What goes in and out and saves your life but is not sexual?
Diabetes.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
How do you poop?
How do the Powerpuff Girls vape?
They take a "power puff."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Crippling depression.
Crippling depression who--?
Me.
me before summer
Did you know some people don't put on masks because they wanna act like something? Some put masks on to show their depression and feeling.
What do you call a room full of disabled people with epilepsy?
A seizure salad.
Why did people take Stephen Hawking's to the hospital when we should have took him to Curry's PC World?
A man walks into a bar... Oww!
What did the tissue wear?
A shoe.
Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.
I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.
Me: Imagine not having hair.
Kids: On chemo.
Bitch the fuck.
Timmy goes to the doctor and says, "There's a crack in my butt, doctor." Timmy, there is a crack in everyone's butt, see?
Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.
An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.
So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.
Stephen Hawking never used a condom. He used a firewall.
Yo mama so fat, when she decides to workout, the stock market goes bankrupt.
Q: How many more chemo treatments did the cancer patient need?
A: Tumor.
Your mum is so fat, when I see her, I get depressed.
Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."
Nurse: *Laughs*
Kid: "Why are you laughing?"
Nurse: "When I get OLDER."
Proceeds to laugh.