Health jokes
What do you call an abortion in a bathtub?
Chunky Tomato Soup.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Did you know that there is a new drug on the market for lesbians who are suffering from depression? It's called Trycoxagain.
A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.
So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
*The doctor asking why I've broken 19 bones in the past week*
*My abusive mum- Go on, tell him!*
Well what am I gonna do now...
Memes
How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?
It has an extra crumb-osome.
Why did Susan drop her ice cream? She was hit by a bus.
What's red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing on a razor blade.
What's green and sits in the corner?
Same baby, one week later.
What do you call an anorexic blond with a yeast infection?
... A quarter pounder with cheese.
Two lepers playing cards... one threw his hand in; the other laughed his head off.
My doctor told me it was perfectly normal to become aroused or even ejaculate during a prostate exam.
That being said I wish he hadn't!
I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?
Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.
If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
What do you call it when a lizard can’t get a boner?
Ereptile Dysfunction!
How do you start a dance party?
Go into the PTSD ward of an insane asylum and set off fireworks and watch the magic unfold.
What do you call a skeleton with no bones? A boneless boy.
I tried making vegetable soup yesterday, but I couldn’t fit the wheelchair in the pot.
"Welcome to Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where last week's loss is this week's sauce."
After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"
The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.
"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.
The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"
Did you hear about the guy whose left side got cut off!
But he’s all right now.