Health jokes
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.
Why did the bee go to the doctors?
Answer: Because he had hives.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....
The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"
The doctor had an ego so big, it fell into the ocean fast.
Why aren't Down's syndrome jokes funny?
Because the format of them is ugly.
Why did the skeleton not go to prom?
Because he had no body to go with.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
You're so skinny that the professor thought you were the skeleton.
Why did the kid fall off the swing? He had no arms.
Where do bunnies go when they're sick?
The hoppital.
Swallow cum, not gum.
Do not ever make fun of people who look like they have no necks. They are fully protected from vampires.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
Why do Asians have squinty eyes?
Because atomic bombs are pretty damn bright.
What's the similarity between gay men and an ambulance?
They both take it in the back and go woop woop.
If Stephen Hawking had a heart attack, would he go to hospital or Curry's PC World?
Have you heard of the movie "Constipation"?
No?
Because it hasn't come out yet.
What do you call an epileptic kid?
Little Seizures.
Bro, I gave a suicidal kid Nikes... he just did it, lol.