Health jokes
What is stuck between a doorway?
Rebel Wilson.
Why did the booty go to therapy?
It had some DEEP-SEATED issues.
Yo mama so old that her breastmilk was powdered. You breastfeed like this 🌬💨.
Why is it cold in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
I went to a seafood shop.
I pulled a muscle.
Quit making those progeria jokes. They get old very quickly.
I wanted to get brain surgery.
I changed my mind.
What happens when premenstrual Raggedy Ann gets with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Dark humor is like the plague; everyone was supposed to get it.
What do you call a fat person in a wheelchair?
A broken wheelchair.
Imagine this scenario: A doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses, diseases, etc. in the world but cooler like this: "Bumbumbum you have depression, diarrhea, and cancer,... etc."
And then the last one on the list is that he is deaf, and then the doctor shows the patient the list.
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
What do you call an abortion in a bathtub?
Chunky Tomato Soup.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Did you know that there is a new drug on the market for lesbians who are suffering from depression? It's called Trycoxagain.
A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.
So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
*The doctor asking why I've broken 19 bones in the past week*
*My abusive mum- Go on, tell him!*
Well what am I gonna do now...
Why did Susan drop her ice cream? She was hit by a bus.
What's red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing on a razor blade.
What's green and sits in the corner?
Same baby, one week later.
What do you call an anorexic blond with a yeast infection?
... A quarter pounder with cheese.