Hospital jokes

Why is there air conditioning in hospitals?

To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.

What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital?

... A FLATLINE!

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.

The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."

I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.

The wheels on the bus go round and round!

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

Why do they have air conditioning in hospitals?

To keep all the vegetables fresh.

What did the bird go to the hospital for?

For tweetment!

A man went to a library and asked the librarian if they had any books on suicide.

She replied "Oh fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.

So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.

Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"

Patient: "Cancer?"

Doctor: "What a coincidence."

Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.

Why is there A/C in hospitals?

So the vegetables stay nice and fresh.

Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?

Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

Why was Sally at the hospital after her parents left? Because they put her up for adoption.

I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."

Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."

So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?

Reload and keep shooting.