Centrebro

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’ I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

Why did the orphan sit alone in the corner? They wanted some family time.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today. Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow? Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you. Orphan: Why? Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people? - Just switch off the lights.

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight. I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.

"I work with animals," a guy says to his date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he replies.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Its butt.

Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.

What is the difference between Iron man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.