Health jokes
What do you call a duck on drugs?
A quackhead.
Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What's the really bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.
What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?
The taste.
He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.
What do 9/11 and Covid-19 both have in common?
Asians caused them both!
Everyone, Alya is okay!!!!!!!!!! She got up, she can walk, and she can talk regular!!!!
So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.
About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."
Somebody stole my joke.
So I stole their spinal cord.
What is your snow ❄️ name? X-ray.
So I was in the lunch room and was sitting by the peanut allergic kids' table. I stood up and I threw an opened bag of peanuts at them and yelled, "25 kill streak!" 🤣😂
Knock knock. Who's there? Ach. Ach who? Bless you!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the one behind it wasn't social distancing.
Ms. Norsworthy's chompers are so big they killed a kid once.
My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.
Arden is so fat!
Why did only blonds show up at Saturday's party during the Corona crisis?
Because their computers flashed, "Virus blocked!"
When it's NNN but you have a peanut allergy: 🥳
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.
I went to the eye doctor and I couldn't read. They showed me a picture of a birthday cake and I thought it was a menorah!
What part in the body does an adult not need but actually needs to live?
A KIDNey!