Health jokes
What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?
The HIV test results.
What’s the hardest part about making vegetable soup?
To put the wheelchair in the pot.
What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?
A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.
Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?
Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.
Memes
salad
What do you do when you finish a magazine in the hospital?
Reload and keep firing!
Why do Mexicans take Xanax?
Because they’re Hispanic attacks.
What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?
They are more open-minded.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
Why did the dick go insane?
Someone kept messing with his head.
What's black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.
A Thai woman ran into a wall. What does she break?
Her boner.
What do orgasms and pulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
What’s a vegetable’s favorite dance?
The cabbage patch.
We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.
It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!
Is it OK to tell a Covid patient to stay positive?
A genealogist looks at the family tree.
A gynecologist looks up the family bush.