Health jokes

Me: I'm afraid of random letters.

Therapist: You are?

Me: [screams]

Therapist: Oh, I see.

Me: [screaming intensifies]

With great depression comes great antidepressants.

My back is straighter than I am, and I literally have scoliosis.

My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.

Exercise?

I thought you said "extra fries!"

-A minion (you may now laugh).

What is better than winning gold at the Para Olympics?

WALKING!

Sally had 69 boobs, which was 222 many, 69,222. So she went to the doctor on 51st street, 69,222,51, who gave her pills. She took them 8 times a day, and now she is boobless.

Why do orphans die so much?

'Cause MJ said "she got COVID-19."

What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?

A fizzician.

Why did the chiropractor go to jail? For not paying $75 in back taxes.

Aren't paraplegics just plegics who can fly?

I am thinking of removing my spine.

It's only holding me back.

A man walks into a bar.

He had to have 13 stitches!

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.

Then I waited for the results.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it! 😌

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,

"Some asshole has my pen!"

A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.

The next day, he could see only one color... black.

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

The CCP should be pleased. COVID is the longest thing to have ever been made in China.

I was gonna tell a memory loss joke, but I forgot it.