Health jokes
What did the dentist say to the butt?
"That's the largest cavity I've ever seen!"
Me: I'm afraid of random letters.
Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]
What are the four letters you don’t want to hear from a dentist?
I C D K
I can make a word with those: "DICK".
What do you call it when a gorilla bumps uglies with an orangutan?
Monkeypox.
A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.
So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
Yo mama so fat that she should be worried for her health and go see a doctor.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!
Me: My therapist says I need those to live.
D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_
My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.
My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.
A father of a young girl comes and meets the doctor.
Father: Doctor, how is my daughter's report?
Doctor: Congrats, your daughter is pregnant.
Father: WTF ?????? My daughter is 10 years old and unmarried.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
When a man loses his testosterone,
Man: Could I please have a loaner boner?
My boss doctor said that we are getting a surgeon coming in tomorrow. I'm super excited to work with him. The next day, we had to do our first-ever open heart surgery, so me and the surgeon spent many hours on this patient. We finished the surgery and went outside for a smoke, and we were talking. I said, "Why did you keep the patient's blood on your glove?"
He replied, "We in my free time I test it for anything diseases, HIV." The next day, I got invited to his house, and we had some drinks. I said, "This is amazing red tea. What is in it?" Just the 2000 people you have cut open.
Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.
"It never gets old."
"Just like a sick kid!"
If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.
Why didn't the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn't in it!
How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?
It's only got 10 hours to live.
Somebody stole my joke.
So I stole their spinal cord.
I got shot once. Now I'm holey.
What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?
One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!