Drug jokes
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
I had a friend named Mari. Sadly, she did drugs.
So one day I go up to her and say, “Mari-juana do this???” She later asked me to leave forever... I don’t gnome why, but... it CRACKed me up a bit!!!
If there was someone selling drugs around here, we'd know.
"Just say no to drugs!"
Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
Gf: "You are a drug."
Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"
Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."
What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!
What do you call a duck on drugs?
A quackhead.
How did the coke seller react when someone told him a joke?
He CRACKed up.
So I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer.
Now I don't know what they were laced with, but I was trippin' all day.
How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.
What's the difference between drugs and kids?
I don't sell drugs.
What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?
I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."
Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."
Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
High definition or addictionary.
Mommy, mommy! Are we drug dealers?
Shut up and cut the coke.
What do kids and drugs have in common? I sell both of them.
I got a part in a movie called "Cocaine." I only have one line.
I would rather be drugged and robbed by Cardi B than listen to her f***ing music.