Police Jokes

Man

BoomkittyFX
·

A man gats kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon" next to all of the chalk outlines

Bob

Person
·

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

2

Dwarf

Anonymous
·

What do you call a dwarf police officer?

A guinea pig

2

Blonde

Madison R.
·

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

1

FAR

Anonymous
·

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Park

Queerly Clear
·

A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."

3

Animal

Panda
·

A panda walks into a bar, he asked the bar tender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him the leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “it’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.

0

Blonde

Madison R.
·

A Blonde crashed A Helicopter. A Police Officer Asked Her What Happened. She Says, "It Got Cold So I Turned Off The Fan."

3

Forgetfulness

Anonymous
·

I wont ever Forget my dads last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"

Puns

Anonymous
·

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

1

Neighbor

no name
·

Police: Where do u live Me: With my parents Police: Where your parents live Me: With me Police: Where do you all live Me: Together Police: where is your house Me: Next to my neighbor Police: Where is your neighbor’s house Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me Police: Tell me Me: Next to my house

4

America

Anonymous
·

I was watching the local chief police in America, he said we will never forget 911. I thought i should hope not its your phone number.

3

Arrest

MajorOstrich
·

I saw two men wearing the same clothing and walking together, so I asked both of them if they were gay. They did not hesitate arresting me after I said that.

3

Dark Humor

Anonymous
·

How many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black.

Puns

Anonymous
·

Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.

4

Battery

·

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off

Yo mama

Anonymous
·

Yo mama so dumb she got hit by a cup and told the police she got mugged.

Corner

the guy in your closet
·

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight, one recess we met together on the playground and she brought me to the corner of the playground, that was my first kiss and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police and they aressted my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson

Accident

Anonymous
·

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."

1

Blonde

Madison R.
·

Police: Where Do You Live? Blonde: With My Parents Police: Where Does Your Parents Live? Blonde: With Me Police: Where Do You All Live? Blonde: Together Police: Where Is Your House? Blonde: Next To My Neighbors House Police: Where Is Your Neighbors House? Blonde: If I Tell You, You Won't Believe Me. Police: Tell Me. Blonde: Next To My House.