Crime jokes

What is George Floyd's pickup line?

You are breathtaking.

What's the difference between my ass and the toddlers in my uncle's basement?

My ass doesn't cry when he sticks it in late at night.

Why did the prostitute lose all her money?

Because she got f*cked.

Guns don't kill people, black people kill people.

What's a pedophile's favorite place to go in?

Kum and Go.

I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?

The Las Vegas shooting.

What’s the best part of violently raping a sexy 10-year-old girl? Killing the little bitch afterwards.

Why couldn't the rape victim run away?

Because she was dead.

There will be no school shooter joke today in honor of the 10 people killed in the Colorado grocery store shooting. R.I.P.

What to gift a child molester who already has everything? A bigger county with more believers.

What does a priest and time have in common? They're both predators.

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

My dad is Al-Qaeda, and he even took a plane trip to New York in 2001.

You're so damn ugly that the robbers only go into your house to close the blinds.

This guy in a trench coat walks up to a kid, opens the trench coat and has glasses inside.

He says to the kid, “Hey kid, want some extra-see?”

When is a rape victim right?

When she admits she lied.

What's worse than ants down your pants? Michael Jackson.

What’s the difference between a pimple and a Priest?

You see, a pimple wouldn’t normally come on a kid until he’s 13 years old.

Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?

None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.