Crime jokes

Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”

Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”

A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.

The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.

The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”

Q: How do you know when someone is an opposition leader to Putin?

A: When they are falling from their balcony.

What do you call a terrorist on a wheelchair?

C4.

What's the difference between a Baptist and a rapist? The priests.

What's the difference between an orgy and mass suicide?

When exactly my cult members drink the Kool-Aid.

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

You call it a school shooting.

I call it an unfair shootout.

I'm going to burn Braden Mitchell Kniffen's house down.

Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.

I got sent to the principal's office today because I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and screamed, "HOT WHEELS!"

Why did the orphan become a prostitute?

So they could finally call someone "daddy."

What did the priest say during the christening?

"So anyway, I started blasting!"

I am the danger.

I went to the shops and still didn’t find Lucy’s dad.

Why are orphans never in jail?

Because they're never wanted.

Why is the white man in prison scarier than the black one?

The white one actually did it!

What do you call a pedo with no legs? A creepy crawly.

I have been charged, because I roasted a kid at a barbeque.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.