Crime jokes
What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and the kid I kidnapped?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
Rape is such an ugly word, I prefer the term "struggle snuggle."
What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pedophile? Alien vs Predator.
My name is Dan, I wear white Vans, I have a gun, get in the van!
I was accused of rape, but I swear she was a whore.
Two guys in a car get pulled over by a cop. The cop taps the window, and the window rolls down. "Good evening, gentlemen, we're looking for two pedophiles."
The guy quickly closes the window. Ten seconds later, he lowers it again and says, "Ok, we'll do it."
Donald Trump didn't build a wall because he likes going to islands to touch little girls.
One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
If Adolf starred in the Room, his most iconic line would be “I did not Hitler! I did not!”
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
My girlfriend said I was a ped0phi1e.
That's a big word for a 6 year old!
People who are afraid of pedophiles... need to grow up.
The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...
What do you call someone that illegally transports cups? - A s-mug-gler.
Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.
What is the difference between R Kelly and Kelly Clarkson?
R Kelly hits on preteens, Kelly Clarkson hits on toddlers.
So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.
Why did the kidnapper cross the road?
To get the kids at the playground.