I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

I like my oreos how I like my victims… Drowning

If you push some one that’s bullying, if you kill some one that’s murder, if there is no evidence it’s nothing

Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I’ll ever have.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Any last requests?” “Yes,” replied the murderer, “Will you please hold my hand?”

Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.

Murder is the same as suicide except the other person is doing it for you

My undergrad was killer. It was murder in the first degree.

If a person shoot’s a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful or is it murder?

Sign on my attorney’s office wall: “You can’t have manslaughter without laughter.”

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby its a “choice”. But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children its called “murder”.

Teacher: your bag is heavy what’s in there!

Weird Kid: Magazines

I hate child murderers there always so high-pitched.

My therapist told me Time Heals with wounds so I stabbed him…

Now we wait.

Technically suicide is murder and murder is ilegal so if I kill myself my body should go to jail

What is killing your friend called? a homie-side

There was murder. The detective suspected the artist first… because he was sketchy.

A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, ¨Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!¨ After that he joined the Army and learned to say, ¨Yes sir!¨ After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, ¨Forks and knives, forks and knives!¨ After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, ¨Goody-goody gumdrops!¨ A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows: Policeman: Who killed the man? Foreign man: Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi! Policeman: Did you kill the man? Foreign man: Yes sir! Policeman: What did you use to kill him: Foreign man: Forks and knives, forks and knives! Policeman: You´re under arrest. Foreign man: Goody-goody gumdrops!

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You’re armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

You know it’s only considered murder if there’s a body. Otherwise it’s just a missing person.