Murder Jokes

I like my Oreos how I like my victims... Drowning.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

Why did the orphan commit mass murder?

To be on top of the wanted list.

Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.

What is killing your friend called?

A homie-side.

If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."

Teacher: Your bag is heavy, what's in there?

Weird Kid: Magazines.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.

Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.

Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?

All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.

Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.

I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.

That awkward moment you try to relate to Batman by killing your parents.

I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.