The 200+ Best Murder Jokes

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Why did the orphan commit mass murder?

To be on top of the wanted list.

Murder is the same as suicide except the other person is doing it for you

What is killing your friend called? a homie-side

If you push some one that's bullying, if you kill some one that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."

Teacher: your bag is heavy what's in there!

Weird Kid: Magazines

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.

Technically suicide is murder and murder is ilegal so if I kill myself my body should go to jail

There was murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.

Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?

All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records

I’m telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution