Murder jokes

I like my Oreos how I like my victims... Drowning.

What is killing your friend called?

A homie-side.

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.

I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.

Why did the orphan commit mass murder?

To be on top of the wanted list.

Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.

I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

Did you hear about the Scottish man who murdered his wife?

He totally kilt her.

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

What's the smartest crime?

3rd degree murder.

Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?

All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.

Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!