Crime jokes

Suicide is illegal because it's a crime to destroy government property.

If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence.

What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?

Returning to the scene of the crime.

There was a kidnapping, but he woke up.

Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

They laughed at my drawing, so I laughed at their chalk outline.

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job". If you do it at home you're "destroying evidence".

A man gets kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon?" next to all of the chalk outlines.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"

What do you take care of after a car crash?

The witnesses.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."

When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!