Theft jokes
I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.
"Look at these kids stealing ideas, bro. They're going to jail."
Why is Ireland so gay?
Because the Brits stole all their women.
I know this girl, Kamelah. She say, "What are you looking at?" I said, "I’m just tryna figure out why it look like Santa stole your hairline."
The other day someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.
Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.
Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.
Me and my girlfriend broke up, and I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
Why did the robber take a shower before his robbery?
So he could make a clean getaway!
Yo mama's so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back!
Why was the emo person dead inside?
Because I stole their insides.
I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.
But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back? Sadly, the hardest part to eat of the vegetable is the wheelchair.
What did the orphan say to its parents?
"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"
They people: "No."
In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"
I was at a supermarket in Barcelona and I noticed the alarm had gone off. There was a thief at the store; the tea bag section had been ransacked.
Luckily they found the thief, Pionel Pessi, with boxes of his favourite tea, Penaltea. Shame on you, Pessi!
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!
I was in a bar in Italy. Me and a hot chick got along, so I asked her for her number. I remembered that there was a pen in my pocket, but when I searched, it was nowhere to be found. I turned back, then I saw Pessi running with it. Shame on you, Pessi, for ruining my night! 😭
I always use chloroform when stealing a child.