Theft Jokes

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happy now.

To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?

10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.

So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant. Dirty bastards.

Your so poor people break into your house and leave things

These jokes are so dark they almost stole my bike

Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.

Why do people not play Uno with Mexicans? Because they are always stealing the green cards.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

One day a snail got robbed by 2 turtles, once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, Snail said "I dont know it all happed to fast"!

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"