Theft jokes

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

Why did the orphan get arrested for identity theft?

He dressed up as Batman for Halloween.

An orphan can’t ever play Grand Theft Auto V because he can’t get a wanted level.

Orphans can be a robber if they want because their parents won't be disappointed.

A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.

He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."

Why do Jews suck at mugging?

Because all they ask for is the spare change in your pockets.

Yo mama's so stupid, when thieves broke into her house and stole the TV, she chased after them shouting, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

A blind old guy asked me if I had any money to spare. I laughed and said I had a gold tooth.

I don't have any now.

What is the legal term for shoplifting?

10 fingers discount.

Why do emo kids drink only herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.

So, I went up to an emo and I said, "Why did you steal my bar code from my chips?"

Why do orphans like stealing things?

They wanted to have company.

Someone stole my balls :(

Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.

You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."

...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"

Q: How do you know if a gang of Chinese people robbed your house?

A: All the rice is gone.

Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.

Guy: Robin

Bank owner: Your last name?

Guy: Debank

Bank owner: Robin Debank?

Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!

The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.

Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.

Once a naked woman robs a bank, but sadly, no one can remember her face...

To the guy in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage coat: you can hide, but you can't run.