Blonde

Madison R.

A Blonde crashed A Helicopter. A Police Officer Asked Her What Happened. She Says, “It Got Cold So I Turned Off The Fan.”

3

Cannibal

You Wouldn't Care Anyway

When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.

2

Puns

Something Else

What does a spy do when he’s cold? He goes under cover.

Degree

Nyloracspam

Q: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?

A: It’s always 90 degrees.

Blonde

hartfelt.net

Window Problems A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won’t open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”

3

Mountain

Daniel King

Why don’t mountains catch colds? They wear snow caps.

Puns

Anonymous

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice

  • i called it cold hard cash
0

Key

Anonymous

what do you do when you get locked outside your house… you talk to the lock. because communication is key.

Shooting

Anus

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: “You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I’ll let you live. If you don’t, I’ll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: “Tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the loot is, I’ll shoot him here and now.” Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: “He said, ‘You don’t have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.’”

Puns

Joker

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

You go to the corners. It’s always 90 degrees

Cow

Anonymous

Why did the cow jump over the moon? Because the farmer had cold hands!

Blonde

Anonymous

Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she’s cold? – Because it’s 90 degrees.

Hell

Anonymous

Hell in Greek Times was known as cold and misty… so now just look at Seattle.

Winter

Dictator of the world

A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, “now were not even allowed to do that.”

Vegetable

Anonymous

Why do hospitals have fans? To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.

3

Communist

Anonymous

in normal country they have lemonade in soviet russia they have Leninade “refresh yourself with a cold war.”

Funny

Uncle Jokes

Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello on the other side.

Darkness

no1

One dark stormy night when i was 8 years old I woke up in the middle of the night busting to pee, half asleep i walked down the stairs and toward the bathroom and heard a strange whirring sound that sounded like a ghost. When I opened the door i felt a strange cool breeze and the light came on automatically and the ghostly sound stopped, terrified I did what I had to and went back to bed. The next 3 nights the same thing happened and finally i decided i had to tell my mom no matter how hard to believe it sounded. The next night I woke up I went into my parents room and woke my mom up and said, “you have to come with me and see this it’s really important,” Half asleep she murmured, "oh what is it can’t it wait until the morning?’ I pleaded, “no you have to come see, our bathroom is haunted by a ghost when I go in the middle of the night I can hear a ghost sound then when i open the door I feel the cold as it swoops through me and the light comes on automatically.” She yawned and said, “oh so that’s who’s been peeing in the refrigerator.”

Little Johnny

Little Johnny

Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face and he asks her “why are you rubbing that stuff on your face mother?” His mother replies “to make myself beautiful Johnny.” A few minutes later she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her “What is the matter? Are you giving up?”