Assault jokes
Today was a bittersweet day...
Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
Crimes in 2018: assault, murder.
Crimes in 2020: coughing in public.
I just prevented an 11-year-old from getting assaulted.
I decided to go home.
I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.
Nothing much, I just decided to go home.
Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?
One of them knows the definition of no.
How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.
"Don’t be dumb, make sure she’s numb."
- Bill Cosby
Did you hear about the German girl being raped by 10 men? She shouted, "nein, nein," so one of them left.
Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
Gang rape.
I used to keep asking a woman if I can rape her until she got so annoyed and said, "Stop asking me."
How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true.
Johnny Depp fans claim to support their god because they sympathize with male victims of sexual assault. Yet a large chunk of them cheer on Wacko Jacko raping little boys, calling it "innocent".
What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?
Raped.
"Wanna play the rape game?"
"No!!!!"
"That's the spirit!"
I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
I'm not looking for consent, I'm looking for cooperation!
A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"
The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."