Assault

Assault jokes

Death

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.

B is for Basil assaulted by bears.

C is for Clara who wasted away.

D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.

E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.

F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.

G is for George smothered under a rug.

H is for Hector done in by a thug.

I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.

J is for James who took lye by mistake.

K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.

L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.

M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.

N is for Neville who died of ennui.

O is for Olive run through with an awl.

P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.

Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.

R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.

S is for Susan who perished of fits.

T is for Titus who flew into bits.

U is for Una who slipped down a drain.

V is for Victor squashed under a train.

W is for Winnie embedded in ice.

X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.

Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

Day

Today was a bittersweet day...

Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!

Crime

Crimes in 2018: assault, murder.

Crimes in 2020: coughing in public.

Home

I just prevented an 11-year-old from getting assaulted.

I decided to go home.

Home

I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.

Nothing much, I just decided to go home.

Kid

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

Rapist

What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?

One of them knows the definition of no.

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  • Rape

    Did you hear about the German girl being raped by 10 men? She shouted, "nein, nein," so one of them left.

    Dairy

    Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!

    Hypocrisy

    Johnny Depp fans claim to support their god because they sympathize with male victims of sexual assault. Yet a large chunk of them cheer on Wacko Jacko raping little boys, calling it "innocent".

    Rape

    I used to keep asking a woman if I can rape her until she got so annoyed and said, "Stop asking me."

    Mime

    I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

    Rapist

    A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"

    The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."

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