The 50+ Best Assault Jokes

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs. B is for Basil assaulted by bears. C is for Clara who wasted away. D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh. E is for Ernest who choked on a peach. F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech. G is for George smothered under a rug. H is for Hector done in by a thug. I is for Ida who drowned in a lake. J is for James who took lye by mistake. K is for Kate who was struck with an axe. L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. M is for Maud who was swept out to sea. N is for Neville who died of ennui. O is for Olive run through with an awl. P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl. Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire. R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who perished of fits. T is for Titus who flew into bits. U is for Una who slipped down a drain. V is for Victor squashed under a train. W is for Winnie embedded in ice. X is for Xerxes devoured by mice. Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in. Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin

Crimes in 2018- assault, murder. Crimes in 2020- coughing in public.

Today was a bitter-sweet day... Bad news is my friend was assaulted, good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!

I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted Nothing much I just decided to go home

I just prevented an 11-year-old from getting assaulted I decided to go home

Two kids were beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary? One of them knows the definition of no.

Johnny Depp fans claim to support their god because they sympathise with male victims of sexual assault. Yet a large chunk of them cheer on Wacko Jacko raping little boys, calling it "innocent".

A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school and the teacher replies "are you that same person who took Jimmy?" the man replies "yes" and the teacher says "Take susie too she's being a little bitch."

A man is consoling his nine year old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted,

"You need to be more careful" he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.

What are some another names for rape? There’s the classic “struggle snuggle” but then there’s my personal favorite “fuck fight”

Q. What do You call a gun that rapes someone? A. An assault rifle

There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted

Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice'"

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy, then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.