Anti-jokes

Anonymous

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

Wonder

Eve.1.3

What did stevie wonder’s mom do to punish him as a child? She rearranged all the furniture

6

Doctor

Madison R.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Fight

Dio

If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be “Alien vs Predator”?

2

Woman

Mr. Menace

A man boards a plane with six children of various ages.

After the plane takes off, a woman sitting sitting behind the man asks him, “are all of them yours?”

“No,” the man responds. “I work for a condom company and these are some of the customer complaints.”

Bus

Anonymous

What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children

Riddles

Anonymous

Whats starts with M and end with arriage?

Miscarriage Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?

Neither does the child

Priest

Raven

Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.

9

Life

Anonymous

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life change when I found out she was under the horse.

4

Darkness

F...motheringsonofab....

Dark Humor is like a child with cancer. It never gets old.

8

Arms

Cerberus

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas? A pair of gloves! Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

Little Johnny

Anonymous

Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, “Who created the Earth?” And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, “MY GOD!” And the teacher says, “Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth.” Sally sits down. Then, the teacher asks, “Where do you go after you live a good life?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, “HEAVENS TO BETSY!” And the teacher says, “Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life.” Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around. And then, the teacher asks the class, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?” and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I’m gonna lose it!” And the teacher faints.

Stay

Stealthshot

What’s the deference between a child and a suicider

One stays quiet forever…

Brother

Anonymous

I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.

Bull

Anonymous

Child: drinking milk

Farmer: hey, what are you doing?

Child: oh I just milked one of your cows

Farmer: We don’t have any cows, we only have bulls

Child: realizes

Baby

billy teh moot

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Uncle

clarityrulz

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was ‘sleeping with the fishes’. At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

Lost

Anonymous

Today I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Baby

Cerberus

The good thing about dead baby jokes is that they never get old.

Fork

Joel Phillips

Why is Helen Kellers child blind too? She always fed it with a fork!

1