Child jokes
What did Stevie Wonder's mom do to punish him as a child?
She rearranged all the furniture.
1 like = 1 more child in my blender.
What's the best thing about fucking twenty-one year olds?
That there's twenty of them hoo hoo hee hooo harr haar dee harr harr
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
A pair of gloves!
Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.
Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?
A: They drive slow through school zones.
...
What's the difference between a penis and a gun?
A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.
What starts with M and ends with arriage?
Miscarriage. Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?
Neither does the child.
A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."
The good thing about dead baby jokes is that they never get old.
Atoms never touch, so it means, we haven't touched each other or anything. So, sir, I did not drop-kick that child.
My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.
A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)
Baby: Wait for me!
(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)
(He squishes the child.)
Father: Ketchup!
What's better than eight kids in a dustbin?
One kid in eight dustbins.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said...
“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
One day, I saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?" I said, "His parents."
If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?
What’s the opposite of an exorcism?
It’s when Satan has to tell the priest to come out of the child.
Well, I'm off to the orphanage to tell "yo mama" jokes.