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Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

How did Helen keller’s mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.

Mama Mia’s pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is our sauce.

What did stevie wonder’s mom do to punish him as a child? She rearranged all the furniture

What’s the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they’re both too short.

Kid: but mom I don’t want to see grandma Mom: shut up and keep digging

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

They both are thinking “Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!”

Yo mama so dumb she got hit by a cup and told the police she got mugged.

Yo mama like a penny: two faced, worthless and in everybody’s pants

johnny was watching TV when you hear them say bitch and bastards so he ask hes dad “what is a bitch and bastard.” dad say “a bitch is a female and a bastard is a mail.” then johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say ass and shit so he ask hes dad what shit and ass means dad says “a shit is shaving creme like what i’m putting on my face and ass is a coat why don’t you bug your mom.” so johnny goes back to the TV and then they say f... so johnny ask his mom what f... means mom says "f... means carving like doing to the turkey then a few minutes later Johnny hears a knock on the door so he answers it he then says “welcome bitch and bastard may i tack your ass” the people then ask wear hes parents are johnny says "my dad is putting shit on hes face and my mom i f...ing the turkey.

My mom is the jelly and my dad is the peanut butter And I am the bread the only thin keeping them together.

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded with, “The cat is dead.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?” “She’s playing on the roof.”

What does your mom and a slinky have in common?

They aren’t much to look at, but you can’t help but crack a smile when you see then tumbling down the stairs.

Yo mama is so fat it took Nation Wide 15 years to get on her side.

my mom said take out the trash and i said okay. the next day she asked “where is your sister”, and i said in line to get crushed.

yo mama so stupid that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W’s

Yo mama is so fat when she got on the scale it said one at a time please.

Yo mama so stupid, that when she heard about cookies on the internet she ate her computer

Moms have Mother’s Day and dads have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?

Palm Sunday.