Criminal Jokes

Mechanical Manic

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.” The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.” The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?” The parrot responds, “Yes.” The thief couldn’t believe it. So, he asks another question. “What is your name?” “Ismael.” the parrot replies. The man scoffed. “What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?” The parrot speaks yet again, “The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”

Ur MoM;)
in Orphan

Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be Wanted.

Why are orphans bad at poker? They don’t know what a full house is.

I saw a child crying yesterday so I asked him where his parents were. Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.

What do you call an orphan’s family reunion? Me time.

Did you know? The letter ‘f’ in orphan stands for family.

What is an orphan’s least favorite song? We are Family.

What’s an orphan’s least favorite tv show? Family Guy.

What’s an orphan’s least favorite movie? Meet the Parents.

What’s an orphan’s least favorite type of music? House.

Next: Inappropriate Jokes

What’s an orphan’s least favorite store? Home Depot.

What’s an orphan’s favorite band? Foster the People.

What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.

Where do orphan chickens end up? Foster Farms

What beer do orphans drink? Foster’s.

Why do orphans have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.

What do you call a fish with no parents? An orfin

Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get.

Me: Are you an orphan? Orphan: Yes, what gave me away? Me: Your parents.

Anonymous
in Orphan

Why do orphans wanna be a criminal? So that they can be wanted.

Anonymous
in Michael Jackson

why did micheal jackson get away with it? because he’s a smooth criminal

Anonymous
in Puns

What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.

random_person

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

“Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!” (Found on the web if you don’t like it don’t leave a hate comment)

T477Y

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Hahahaha
in Bee

What did the bee say after the execution - the criminal has been beeheaded

Anonymous
in Orphan

Why did the orphan become a criminal? Because he wanted to actually be wanted.

Suspicious personnn lol
in Orphan

What’s the difference between an orphan and a criminal?

The criminal is wanted.

What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?

Being hit by… Being struck by… A smooth criminal

ActuallyanOrphan
in Orphan

Why cant orphans be criminals ?

They arent wanted…

in Orphan

Why can’t orphans become a criminal? Because she isn’t wanted

Gwen

What does a kite and a criminal have in common?

They both get high

Aytops
in Bag

For someone to be stealing a bag of glod in heaven criminal on Earth and heaven

Axolotl-
in Orphanage

Why do orphans have criminal records? So they can be wanted.

Cheese
in Orphan

Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be Wanted.

Rhys Nolan
in Orphanage

What does an Orphan not have in common with a criminal’s, criminal’s are wanted

Anonymous
in Orphan

What is the difference between a orphan and a criminal? Only one is wanted