Pain jokes

What's bright red and screams when you shake it? A skinned baby in a bag of salt.

What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?

Her Miscarriage.

My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.

She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

What are the four letters you don’t want to hear from a dentist?

I C D K

I can make a word with those: "DICK".

When your legs forget how to work after leg day, I can't climb the stairs.

Michael Myers right behind me. Runs like I'm a track star!

What did the 3-year-old boy say to the priest?

"My bum hurts."

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

Masochists and sadists are made for each other.

What is a nudist's least favorite holiday?

Memorial Day.

Why?

Because wearing a poppy can be very painful.

My dog stepped on a bee, My child spilt my tea, I drank my hot tea, I broke my bloody knee, Now I'm lying in agony, And I'm devastated with no glee.

(Again, credits to my really funny friend)

Would you rather listen to Justin Bieber or die in the slowest and most painful way possible?

They're the same thing.

Old McDonald cuts himself. E-m E-m-O!

"Daveon, stop screaming for help because I broke your kneecaps!"

Why is it painful to have your attorney with you in the hospital?

The damages are severe.

My nuts hurt; if you pull them, I will scream.

My nuts tickle; scratch them, and I won’t like you no more.

What is the difference between a Walking Dead and you? He doesn't feel pain.

What's the best way to tell your friend you hate them? Option 1: Kill them. Option 2: Walk away. Option 3: Kill each other.

Me: Why can't I just kms and leave them the pain?

Alles tut weh.

My bad, I kick me bad in if balls, and he got so fucking mad.