Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
My bum hurts.
I met a gay guy last night.
Man, was he a pain in the ass.
You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!
Why did he go to the chiropractors?
To get his spine fixed.
You know Thomas Paine, right? Well, clearly he had some common sense too, right?
Why do Blondes never suffer from headaches?
No brain, no pain.
I got shot once. Now I'm holey.
It squirted in my eye, God dammit!
What is a nudist's least favorite holiday?
Memorial Day.
Why?
Because wearing a poppy can be very painful.
I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.
We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.
My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.
Granny says don't worry, the cries of pain are only my ex-husband's.
Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!
Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.
Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.
Watching "50 Shades of Grey" was more painful than my uncle fisting me as a kid.
What's bright red and screams when you shake it? A skinned baby in a bag of salt.
What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?
Her Miscarriage.
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
