Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
I have an EpiPen
Friend gave it to me when he was as dying
It seemed really important to him that I have it
Me: Happy birthday! I got you a Rubix cube! Friend: I hate you. Me: why? Friend: I'm color blind
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
Teacher: Kids what are something you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friend to make me happy. Teacher: What about you Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
My friend told me he had a sister. i asked if she was hot and he said she was 8. that wasnt my question
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...
I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie ....... no one could tell that it was their blood
What’s the similarity between a bag of chips and a gun?
When you pull one out in class, everybody wants to be your friend.
If you were a food what would you be?
Friend 1-Pizza cause I’m so cheesy
Friend 2-Chocolate chip cookie cause I have lots of friends
Me-donut cause I’m so empty inside
I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn"
Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were "You're standing on my oxygen tube"
What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. -- He was high on my list of priorities.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me "Yeah I can read braille". So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read "Screw you, asshole"
Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms. Why couldn't she get up? She had no friends. Knock Knock (Who's there?) Not Sally...
I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.
Have u ever noticed When a woman is pregnant aII her friends touch her stomach and say "congrats" but none of them touch the man's penis and say "weII done"
Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."
Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."
Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."
Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."
Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*