Phone

Anonymous

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

Die

Nate

I have an EpiPen

Friend gave it to me when he was as dying

It seemed really important to him that I have it

2

Happiness

Anonymous

Teacher: Kids what are something you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friend to make me happy. Teacher: What about you Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy…

Week

Trint

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

3

Depression

Anonymous

If you were a food what would you be?

Friend 1-Pizza cause I’m so cheesy

Friend 2-Chocolate chip cookie cause I have lots of friends

Me-donut cause I’m so empty inside

Happiness

Anonymoustache 99

Me: Happy birthday! I got you a Rubix cube! Friend: I hate you. Me: why? Friend: I’m color blind

8

Night

Emma

I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating “Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn”

Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”

9

Sister

Person Man

My friend told me he had a sister. i asked if she was hot and he said she was 8. that wasnt my question

Minutes

Your name (optional)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

Laziness

Anonymous

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words…

“Lazy.”

0

Son

Overwatch_Gamer321

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

Depression

crippling aids

me: have you ever went sky diving friend:No me:Well don’t it sucks friend:Why me:They gave me a parachute and I lived

1

Sister

Anonymous

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

Depression

Repost

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.

A depressing but satisfying victory.

6

Fire

Fire

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he’s a really deep sleeper.

8

Sally

Punk

Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms. Why couldn’t she get up? She had no friends. Knock Knock (Who’s there?) Not Sally…

1

Blood

Anonymous

I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie … no one could tell that it was their blood

0

Puns

Anonymous

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday, she thought it was cheap I thought it was pretty sweet

Wife

Snail

I comforted my friend about his wife’s death: until I found out who did it.

5

Similarity

Yeeeet

What’s a similarity between your best friend and a tree? They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.

7