Friend jokes

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

Me: Happy birthday! I got you a Rubix cube! Friend: I hate you. Me: Why? Friend: I'm color blind.

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

If you were a food, what would you be?

Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."

Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."

Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."

I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...

no one could tell that it was their blood.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?

They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.

A depressing but satisfying victory.

I went to visit my friend's sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him, he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn."

Suddenly, right in front of me, he passed. Later that night, I translated his last words, and they were, "You're standing on my oxygen tube."

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

Why did the noble gas cry?

Because all his friends Argon.

Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

"Lazy."

There were three guys stranded on a desert island. Each was granted one wish by a genie that found them. The first guy said, "I wish to go back home." The second guy says the same, and the third guy said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

If I place a slide on the edge of a cliff or a really high building, would going down it be considered "suislide"?

Asking for a friend.

Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.