What’s the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side

What’s the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”

What the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish funeral, one less drunk.

whats the difference between Chris Brown and Santa.

Santa stops at 3 hoes

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies

I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says “Okay I’d like you to point to wherever it hurts”. So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says “Here. Ow.” She then pokes her arm and says “Here. Ow.” She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop. The doctor say “I know what’s happened to you.” “What’s happened to me??” The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, “You have a broken finger.”

What’s the difference between a baby and a salad?

Most people don’t get angry when you toss a salad.

whats the difference between McDonald’s and a priest

nothing… they both stick their meat in ten year old buns

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to? – The computer runs.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? – The letter F.

Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

What’s the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying ten babies in one trashcan. Morbid humor would be saying one baby in ten trashcans

3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break. The first guy says “If I get a vegimite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.” The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”. The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” The next day the first guy gets a vegimite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All 3 guys jump of the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals the first wife says “If he just told me I would have given him a different sandwich.” The second guys wife says “It is all my fault. If only I knew.” The third wife says “I don’t get it, he makes his own lunch.”

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

what’s the difference between a feminist and suicide vest

a least one does something when it is triggered

What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.

whats the difference between a lightbulb and a preganant woman you can unscrew the lightbulb

What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

Q: What’s the difference between me and cancer? A: My dad didn’t beat cancer…