Uncle jokes

My uncle got sued from NASA the other day. He claimed to be the first one to enter Uranus.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.

When you send nudes to your Roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone...

Is it just me, or when you wipe your ass too deep, it reminds you of your uncle? Just me?

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

What does my uncle call a school?

A strip club.

One time, I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message. Thirty seconds later, I heard my uncle crying in the next room.

The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...

When Bubba's condom broke, he spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if he was going to be an uncle or a dad.

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.

What's worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles.

Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?

That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.

I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

I had an uncle who was a conductor. He wasn’t a symphony conductor, nor was he a street car conductor, nor was he a train conductor. He was struck by lightning.

I have an Uncle named Ricky, who made ur mom sticky.

His dad calls him pricky and everyone begs for his dicky.

I remember my uncle's last words:

"I don't think we're going shooting today."