Pain jokes

I'd rather kiss a cactus than kiss you. Wanna know why?

Because at least I'd feel something with the cactus than I ever could with you.

I showed my family a few Charlie Kirk debates.

They called him a pain in the neck.

OK, bye.

What does William say when he hurts his toe?

"I wanna scream and shout and let it all out."

I tried phone sex once, lost my bits to a stray "call waiting" beep. Very painful. Never again.

When you're sad, don't feel down about yourself. Break a leg, and you'll forget all about it.

Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"

If you pour paint in your eyes, the paint loses the 't'.

What's the difference between a broken shovel and a young child?

The shovel doesn't cry when you swing it into a wall repeatedly.

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

Old McDonald cuts himself. E-m E-m-O!

What is a nudist's least favorite holiday?

Memorial Day.

Why?

Because wearing a poppy can be very painful.

"The legend says Tinker Bell was good in jerkin' off Peter with her tiny fingers, but it pains me to think that Captain Hook was a closeted-sadist boyfriend."

My mother was suffering from menstrual pain. So I fucked her for 7 hours to ease her pain. I continued to do so for the next 6 days. Even after fucking her 51 times during her 7-day period, I fucked her 5-6 times a day for the next three months and stopped her period for 9 months! Only her son can understand and ease the pain of a mother.

Roses are dead. violets are dying. Outside I'm smiling. Inside I'm crying.

The definition of the word "Disappointment" means running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose.

What's the last thing to go through the minds of 9/11 victims?

Their kneecaps.

What song do you play at a emo kid's funeral?

House of Pain—"Jump Around."

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you… wait… also the regret after.