Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...
My attempts in 2019, 2020, and 2021!
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a suicidal person?
"If at first you don’t succeed, try again and again until you succeed."
Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"
Genie: "Wish granted!"
When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
Like this post to give someone you hate bad luck.
What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
What's worse than finding 10 babies in 10 dumpsters?
Finding 1 baby in 10 dumpsters.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.
He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.
Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.
I've been hit by several things in my life.
Sadly, never a car.
There is this celebrity everybody thought was so down to earth. That was until he hung himself.
My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.
Today was a bad day. First My ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver
Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.
I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."
Once an orphan got a girlfriend. He regretted it. She left him too.
