Kill jokes

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.

Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.

Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.

I like you, you like me.

Let’s go out and kill Barney with a big shot gun. Barney’s on the floor, no more purple dinosaur. 🌸🌸🌸🌺🌺🌺🥀🥀🥀RIP BARNEY

Time heals all wounds.

Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.

Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks?

That's probably because microwaves hadn't been invented yet.

After I see an anime boy acting cool,

Me at school acting cool:

My brothers: "He's just acting cool."

Me: I'm gonna kill u 0.0

How do you get a koala to die? Kill it.

Q: Where do you bury the people killed in 9/11?

A: It's already done for you.

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.

What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?

OJ couldn’t kill cancer.

What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

Wayne Couzens, the police officer who killed Sarah Everard, has been complaining about receiving a whole life tariff for her murder...

I think he should count his blessings. He could have had it worse...

He could have married her!

In a Kahoot, and you're the Twin Tower terrorist: terrorist kill streak 2,996.

You know who deserves a medal? The guy who killed Hitler.

Should I kill the main character's best friends in my book? It's an autobiography.

Before you leave that marriage, remember that one innocent 🐐 goat was killed for your traditional marriage. 😔

I know this isn't an orphan joke, but I didn't know where to say it, so yeah.

I threw a nut at the allergy table and screamed, "YES, TRIPLE KILL!"

Why are Nepalese bad at chess?

Because someone already killed their king!

How does a non-binary ninja kill someone?

They slash them.

My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.

I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."