Kill jokes

Time heals all wounds.

Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.

Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks?

That's probably because microwaves hadn't been invented yet.

In a Kahoot, and you're the Twin Tower terrorist: terrorist kill streak 2,996.

Wayne Couzens, the police officer who killed Sarah Everard, has been complaining about receiving a whole life tariff for her murder...

I think he should count his blessings. He could have had it worse...

He could have married her!

You know who deserves a medal? The guy who killed Hitler.

Should I kill the main character's best friends in my book? It's an autobiography.

How do you make a body disappear?

You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!

P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.

How do you kill a sheep?

You lamb shank it!

What's the difference between the woods and a hooker?

Some hookers have passions for nature. Other hookers will Kill ThEIR Tricks for payback!!!!!!

Some guy interviewed me and asked how it felt to kill thousands of people. I replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only killed communists.”

How did Capetian Hook kill himself? He wiped his butt with the wrong hand.

What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?

About 40 mph.

Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.

Mom: Witherspoon.

Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

I killed 5 orphans and tried to sell their organs.

Nobody still wanted them.

Before you leave that marriage, remember that one innocent 🐐 goat was killed for your traditional marriage. 😔

I know this isn't an orphan joke, but I didn't know where to say it, so yeah.

I threw a nut at the allergy table and screamed, "YES, TRIPLE KILL!"

Your hairline is so far back that it killed the dinosaurs.

My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.

I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."

If you kill a killer, the same amount of killers in the room stays the same.