Kill Jokes

yo_boi_pizza
in Shooting

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.”

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did!”

4
Anonymous
in Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

1
Anonymous

If you push some one that’s bullying, if you kill some one that’s murder, if there is no evidence it’s nothing

6
Ratchet the Hatchet

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

Anonymous

Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn’t all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.

Tyler

One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

Anonymous
in Puns

A pun walked into a room and killed ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

Anonymous

You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself ;)

6
Tanner Pomeranz
in Football

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.

They had great seats right behind their teams bench.

After the game the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it!” she replied, “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

She said, “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!”

Overwatch_Gamer321
in Puns

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

Matt G

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

Anonymous
in Orphan

Why is it when women decided to kill an unborn baby its a “CHOICE” but when i decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids its called “MURDER”!

aNoNyMoUs
in Adoption

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby its a “choice”. But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children its called “murder”.

7
Punk

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? When he asked who the best composer was they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

5
Anonymous
in Puns

If trees could kill you, they wood.

6
RallyCat2004
in Animal

I would never kill an animal. I’m more of a people person.

WaterBottleIsHere

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn’t doing very good so I told him so. My brother said to me, “at least I don’t have to camp in order to get kills”. I then responded with, “I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills”.

0
Anonymous

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

Anonymous

when the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill.

“One, he killed himself”

1
Murkymurk

how do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family

2