Chuck Norris

Anonymous

Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

1

Bad

Anonymous

Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn’t all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.

Bullying

Anonymous

If you push some one that’s bullying, if you kill some one that’s murder, if there is no evidence it’s nothing

5

Daughter

Tyler

One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.” They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

Shooting

yo_boi_pizza

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.”

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did!”

Puns

Anonymous

A pun walked into a room and killed ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

Plunger

Murkymurk

how do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family

2

Surprise

Ratchet the Hatchet

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

Chicken

Punk

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? When he asked who the best composer was they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

5

Football

Tanner Pomeranz

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.

They had great seats right behind their teams bench.

After the game the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it!” she replied, “Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

She said, “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!”

Puns

Anonymous

If trees could kill you, they wood.

6

Puns

Overwatch_Gamer321

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

Wrong

Matt G

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

Depression

Anonymous

You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself ;)

4

Adoption

aNoNyMoUs

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby its a “choice”. But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children its called “murder”.

3

Orphan

Anonymous

Why is it when women decided to kill an unborn baby its a “CHOICE” but when i decide to drive my F-150 into a playground full of kids its called “MURDER”!

9

Brother

WaterBottleIsHere

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn’t doing very good so I told him so. My brother said to me, “at least I don’t have to camp in order to get kills”. I then responded with, “I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills”.

0

War

Anonymous

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

Animal

RallyCat2004

I would never kill an animal. I’m more of a people person.

People

Anonymous

when the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill.

“One, he killed himself”

1