Kill jokes

People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.

Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!

There will be no school shooter joke today in honor of the 10 people killed in the Colorado grocery store shooting. R.I.P.

What would you call a person who hides in a house for 24 hours and then kills them?

Morgz.

What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?

They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”

What do you call a kid laying down in the classroom? Kill confirmed.

What do you call three kids laying down in the classroom? Kill streak.

Jack and Jill went up the hill.

Jack fell down, his ass was bound, and Jill continued up the hill.

Jack came back and beat Jill's back, and he got the ultimate kill.

What kills you?

Suicide.

I'm back and wearing dead whites who are killing whites from Eastern Europe on me. Shout out my boy russia and Ukraine, they all are evil just like USA and China and the rest of the west!

How do you kill time?

Easy! Taking alarm clock and an assault rifle.

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police.

She exclaims, “Hello, is this 911?”

The other person, “Yes, what is your emergency?”

The blonde answered, “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

How did a man kill his car? He throttled it.

When you kill people in a war, it's perfectly fine, but when it's a school, everyone has a problem with it, wth.

What do you call a butt that kills people?

An ASSassin :)

Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.

The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.

The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."

We cut and kill flowers because they're pretty.

We cut and kill ourselves because we are not.

I sexually identify as kilometers per second.

Cuz I really wanna km/s (kill myself).

What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.

So, in "Revenge of the Sixth" when Anakin goes and kills the younglings, I thought to myself, "Hey, it’s just another day in an American school."

Worst jokes ever? More like I killed an old man in 2012 in Oklahoma City at that nasty Red Lobster, not the one near the freeway, and hid the body in a creek!