Kill Jokes

What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! please help, please help!"

How did a man kill his car? He throttled it.

when you kill people in a war its perfectly fine but when its a school everyone has a problem with it wth.

what do you call a butt that kills people? An ASSassin :)

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

3 Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand. The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him. The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied,"It didn't tickle at all. I laughted at the sight the third guy was bringing over a pinapple."

We cut and kill flowers because they're pretty, We cut and kill ourselves because we are not.

So In revenge of the sixth when Anakin goes and kills the younglings I thought to myself hey it’s just another day in an American school

What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o clock on new years. First kill of the match

This 15 year old girl wanted a cross on her room with a long nail on the end over her bed unfortunately it killed her dad because it fell off the wall

(Do you get the joke)

(Her dad was on her and it fell and killed him)

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Teacher makes 1 kid recite the abcs and the other count to 10. Teacher: you can kill 2 birds with1 stone. Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head. Johnny at school: you can kill a bird and give a man a concusssion.

Time heals all wounds.

Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks? That's probably because microwaves hadn't been invented yet.