Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset
New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.
What's white and bloody?
Two doves in a trash compactor Talk about a failed marriage
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy" to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, i'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy.
An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ̈You look like a million pounds! ̈ The wife divorced him.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the fucking autopsy!”
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again
Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.
A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage? A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.
