Woman

Anonymous

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Fat

Anonymous

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Wife

Anonymous

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Wife

Anonymous

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Heart

Anonymous

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Wife

Anonymous

“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

Wife

Anonymous

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window…

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Fat

Anonymous

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Wife

Anonymous

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

Puns

Pitbull

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don’t worry it’s just a couple.

Wife

Anonymous

An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds!¨ The wife divorced him.

Study

Anonymous

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer… than the men who mention it.

Hand

Becomes miscarriage

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband’s friend walks over and says,

“Jenny and Jonathan sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, the comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E.”

Change

Anonymous

Why do women have cleaner minds than men? – Because they change theirs more often.

Wife

Anonymous

I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. – I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Wife

Alan Horn

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee, A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after awhile and says, “Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in”.

White

Anonymous

What’s white and bloody?

Two doves in a trash compactor Talk about a failed marriage

Wife

Anonymous

How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

Cow

Anonymous

My wife left me for an Indian guy. – I know he’s going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

Common

Anonymous

What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common? - They all get the house.

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