Marriage Jokes

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Before Marriage Boy: At last, I can hardly wait! Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: No, don't even think about it! Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course, always! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No, why are you asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you slap me? Boy: Hell nah, you crazy!! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yeah girl! Girl: Oh Honeyyy😍

After Marriage Now, read that from the bottom to the top.

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?

Honey, I'm home!

What's white and bloody?

Two doves in a trash compactor. Talk about a failed marriage.

Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often.

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.

A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."

An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, "You look like a million pounds!" The wife divorced him.

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

"It means 'happy'," replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.

My wife cheated on me with my brother.

She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

*Principal:* What is 3+3?

*Boy:* 6.

*Principal:* 6+6.

*Boy:* 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

*Madam:* What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

*Boy:* Legs.

*Madam:* What is in your trousers that I don't have?

*Boy:* Pockets.

*Madam:* What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

*Boy:* Coconut.

*Madam:* What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

*Boy:* Bubble gum.

*Madam:* You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

*Boy:* Tent.

*The principal was looking restless*

*Madam:* A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

*Boy:* Wedding ring.

*Madam:* I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

*Boy:* Nose.

*Madam:* I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

*Boy:* Arrow.

*Principal:* O MY GOD.

*Madam:* What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?

*Boy:* Fork.

*Madam:* What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

*Boy:* Surname.

*Principal:* Ohooo !

*Madam:* What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

*Boy:* Heart.

*Principal:* Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.

Before: Caring & Noble.

After: Chernobyl.