How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common? - They all get the house.

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

My wife left me for an Indian guy. – I know he’s going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window…

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Why do women have cleaner minds than men? – Because they change theirs more often.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer… than the men who mention it.

I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. – I didn’t want to interrupt her.

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

i once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, “theyre all dead hookers ince theyre in the trunk.”

What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?

Honey, I’m home!

What does a girl want more than anything in the world? – Nothing. She’s fine.

Women are like Tornadoes

They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.

Why are wives also called a housekeeper? Because after the divorce, they keep the house.