Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer… than the men who mention it.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. – I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window…

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Why do women have cleaner minds than men? – Because they change theirs more often.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common? - They all get the house.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. – I know he’s going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

What does a girl want more than anything in the world? – Nothing. She’s fine.

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy “What’s going on here!?” He exclaims. The wife replies “See, I told you he was stupid.”

Why are wives also called a housekeeper? Because after the divorce, they keep the house.

What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?

Honey, I’m home!

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.