My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.
Two men were talking about their wives
The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.
“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.
“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”
“No, son, I have a wife.”
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window…
If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy “What’s going on here!?” He exclaims. The wife replies “See, I told you he was stupid.”
My wife left me for an Indian guy. – I know he’s going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.