Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer… than the men who mention it.

You want to hear some marriage jokes?

Don’t worry it’s just a couple.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window…

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? – The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

Why do women have cleaner minds than men? – Because they change theirs more often.

I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. – I didn’t want to interrupt her.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. – I know he’s going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

God sent gays to fix overpopulation. Until they ended same-sex marriage.

Why are wives also called a housekeeper? Because after the divorce, they keep the house.

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee, A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after awhile and says, “Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in”.

What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common? - They all get the house.

An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds!¨ The wife divorced him.