Kill jokes

What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?

About 40 mph.

I killed 5 orphans and tried to sell their organs.

Nobody still wanted them.

Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.

Mom: Witherspoon.

Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

How did Capetian Hook kill himself? He wiped his butt with the wrong hand.

You know who deserves a medal? The guy who killed Hitler.

Should I kill the main character's best friends in my book? It's an autobiography.

Before you leave that marriage, remember that one innocent 🐐 goat was killed for your traditional marriage. 😔

I know this isn't an orphan joke, but I didn't know where to say it, so yeah.

I threw a nut at the allergy table and screamed, "YES, TRIPLE KILL!"

Some guy interviewed me and asked how it felt to kill thousands of people. I replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only killed communists.”

What's the difference between the woods and a hooker?

Some hookers have passions for nature. Other hookers will Kill ThEIR Tricks for payback!!!!!!

My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.

I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."

If you kill a killer, the same amount of killers in the room stays the same.

Ahaha, I'm laughing because my friend is so black his mama killed the clown.

Why are Nepalese bad at chess?

Because someone already killed their king!

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I keep hearing "Obesity kills."

My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"

The farmers were playing chess, and the winner shouted and said: "I killed your horse!"

The second quickly left, and when he returned he said: "We have poisoned all your cows!"

- Sometimes I feel like killing myself...

- But?

- ...

How do you get a koala to die? Kill it.