ID jokes

You're so poor, if I ever broke into your house, I'd give you things.

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

I'd make a joke about epilepsy, but the computer started flashing.

Guys, I'm back...

Here's my joke:

What is blue and red all over?

Blood in the water of a shark attack victim.

If I was a cow and could dance, I'd bust some moooooves while I uddered some lyrics!

I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.

I'd love to move to a country ruled by Scott Stapp of Creed. Not only is it a place with golden streets, but it also welcomes people of all kinds with arms wide open.

Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

I'd tell you a joke about my boyfriend's dick, but it's a private joke.

Well, I didn’t get as high as I wanted to, but I’m high enough that if I fall I’d probably break something.

If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.

I'd tell a science joke, but I was like, "Nah, it would get no reaction."

If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.

Ernie and Burt were camping in the woods, when they woke up Burt asked Ernie "how did you sleep?" Ernie replied with "I slept amazing! I had a great dream that I was in a magic candy world and was sucking the most tastiest lollipop I'd ever tasted in my life."

Burt replied with "Good to hear, I slept amazing too. I had a dream that I was in heaven surrounded by angels, and one of them was giving me a blow job."

I'd make a joke about corn, but it's too corny.

Then again, I could make a joke about eyes, but that would be even cornea. My funny bone is broken. I guess it was because those jokes were too humerus.

I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care. They were using cutesy words like "ankle biters", "rug rats," and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.

I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, "carpet muncher" doesn't mean what I thought it does.

I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.

If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time.

If I ever ran for public office, I'd make Rajan a call center employee again.

I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.

My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."