When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. – The odds were against me.

How do you make 7 an even number? Take the s out!

The number 13? Not on my watch

Why did 10 die? – He was in the middle of 9/11.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? – Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

What’s the best thing about 28 year old’s? -There’s 20 of them.

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! Thats not going to help!” She said. “Sure it does.” he said. “Its the only way i can see the numbers.”

Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong telephone.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”

I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand. – It’s seven.

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her ‘doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?’ The doctor says ‘my number’

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. – I now have $999,999.75.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? – The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

19 and 20 had a fight. 21.

So I asked a Chinese woman for her number, she said "sex, sex, sex, free sex tonight ." Her friend said “No, it’s 666-3629.”

You know what’s odd?

Every other number

1 and 2 fell in love the 2 said your the only 1 for me!

A Roman walks into a bar

He holds up two fingers and says “give me five beers.”