When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”

How do you make 7 an even number? Take the s out!

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. – The odds were against me.

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! Thats not going to help!” She said. “Sure it does.” he said. “Its the only way i can see the numbers.”

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. – I now have $999,999.75.

And the lord said unto john come forth and you will receive eternal life, but john came fifth and won a toaster

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? – The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

The number 13? Not on my watch

I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand. – It’s seven.

Why did 10 die? – He was in the middle of 9/11.

19 and 20 had a fight. 21.

A Roman walks into a bar

He holds up two fingers and says “give me five beers.”

Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong telephone.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? – Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

Why is six afraid of seven?

Seven is a registered six-offender

You know what’s odd?

Every other number

What’s the best thing about 28 year old’s? -There’s 20 of them.

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her ‘doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?’ The doctor says ‘my number’