When I’m bored I text a random number “I hid the body… now what”
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? – Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! Thats not going to help!” She said. “Sure it does.” he said. “Its the only way i can see the numbers.”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her ‘doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?’ The doctor says ‘my number’
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. – I now have $999,999.75.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? – The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.