ID Jokes

My friend David lost his ID. Now he is just Dav.

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID doesn't recognize me

I was joking about self harm to my friend and she told me to CUT it out, I couldn't even laugh. When we were at the self checkout she started scanning my arms, I asked her what she was doing she said, ̈Trying to see if it beeps, ya think id get it to work if I scanned your thighs? ̈ I said, ̈Nah bro you'd overload the system if you put it there. ̈

When David lost his ID, I called him Dave. Where did Dave go during the bombing? Everywhere. Guess who came crawling back?

i called the suicide hotline and he suggested i drew on myself to distract myself. i replied id get ink poisoning

wouldnt recommend the police came

What do emo ids like to smoke

Marjiannakillmyself

yo mama so ugly that when she went through a face id it didn't think she was human

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato-clock. The shop keeper said, 'I dont know what a potato clock is' The man said, 'me neither but im starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9 so id have to get a potato clock

An asian student was learning logarithm in class, he wrote down his name after the question, teacher asked why, "my class ID is number 1"

id tell a joke about how my mom was abusive but i either forgot everything or she just wasn't there

Are you jefrey dhamer bc id love u to eat me

What does a bullied kid say during at game of Kahoot?

"Id like to Kashoot up this school."

if i had a dollar for every time you said something smart id be broke

I am going to be a ghost for Halloween, I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least ide be dead.

If you were a booger id pick you first

Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard? - so they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.

your so poor if ever broke into your house id give you things

Id tell a bad baby joke, but I decided to abort

id mop the floor with your face but you might just mess it up more