What is money called in space?
Star bucks.
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What does a politician and a minister have in common? both of them will tell you anything to get money from you
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I donated 100 dollars to a blind children’s charity. Too bad they won’t ever see a dime of it.
Give a man a gun and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he will rob everyone.
What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? A prostitute won't tell you that it is more blessed to give than it is to receive.
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
What's the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
What is the difference between giving money to a church and giving money to the IRS? If you stop giving money to a church you won't go to prison
What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? You don't get something in return if you give money to a church.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
A teacher asked his students a math question.
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?"
After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.
"One dollar!" she said.
Do you want to hear a money joke? "Never mind, it makes no cents."
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
Why did the skeleton not rob the bank?
He did not have the guts!
Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
- i called it cold hard cash
