Money jokes
What is money called in space?
Star bucks.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"
She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."
The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"
The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"
"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"
The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."
I saw a little boy begging for money.
I said, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents!"
Who made the most money from 9/11? The US government.
An old man gets a call from the IRS.
The man on the phone says, “We’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly, and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.
The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office, and the man there says, ”So we’ve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?” The man replies, ”Well, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.” The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says, ”Wait. I’ll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.” The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn’t blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says, ”Alright, last chance. I bet you 50,000 I can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.” The agent thinks real hard but decides it’s impossible, so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agent’s desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, “Haha! I got you now!” But the man's lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands, and says, “He bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you’d just love it!”
Why does an orphan always try to escape the orphanage?
Because he wants to get money to buy a family since they won't buy him.
Roses are red, violets are blue, in the middle of the day, give me money, you!
Why is chemotherapy like a five-star meal?
Because you have to have money to pay for it.
Yo mama so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.
Yo mama so poor the ducks throw bread at her.
My girlfriend is so stupid, she asked me if I wanted to shower with her to save money on our water bill, while we were staying at a hotel where we didn't even have to pay the water bill.
I have a lot of money, but I don't waste it.
So people call me poor until they see my bank account.
Q. What do you call a rich person who is in a vegetative state?
A. A loaded potato.
If I had a dollar for every time a rap hater made an intelligent statement, I’d be more broke than the rap haters.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.
Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?
Oh, it's still cancer.
I held on to my money stronger than an orphan holds on to a teddy bear on Father's Day.
Your mum... payed other people to take you!!!!
Gimme a nickel or I'll tickle your pickle!
Why did the man laugh when he only had just one nickel and one penny in his pocket?
He had a 6 cents of humor.
"If you're good at something, never do it for free."
Rapboat's mom charges $5 a blowie.