Allan C.


I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?". She replied, "Two or three". Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.

I was watching the London Marathon one year, and I saw two runners in costumes. One of them was dressed a chicken and the other dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This'll be interesting.'.

There was a big problem yesterday. My dishwasher has stop working, her visa had expired.

I've spent most of my life avoiding conflict. That's why I'm never intending to visit Syria.

If you were to ask me: "Where would be the worst place to commit a crime?", I would say a multi-storey car park. Because if you think about it, it would be wrong on so many levels.

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb. The answer may shock you.

Looking at me is like being on your phone, in a car, on a long trip. You're fine for the first 10 minutes, then after that you feel sick.

My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.

Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, 'Parking Fine'

I was at a concert, in the front row and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!". And I replied: "Is that a death fret?".

If you were to ask me, 'What is the easiest job in the world?', it would be an Australian psychiatrist. "G'Day, G' you worries, next!".

It's tricky when you're both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship but up ahead, you see a lighthouse.

People at school thought I had special powers. It was something called "Constant super-vision".