I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?". She replied, "Two or three". Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.
Allan C.
I was watching the London Marathon one year, and I saw two runners in costumes. One of them was dressed a chicken and the other dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This'll be interesting.'.
Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night, day.
There was a big problem yesterday. My dishwasher has stop working, her visa had expired.
As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. Because we couldn't afford a dog
I've spent most of my life avoiding conflict. That's why I'm never intending to visit Syria.
If you were to ask me: "Where would be the worst place to commit a crime?", I would say a multi-storey car park. Because if you think about it, it would be wrong on so many levels.
How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb. The answer may shock you.
Looking at me is like being on your phone, in a car, on a long trip. You're fine for the first 10 minutes, then after that you feel sick.
My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.
The toughest job I ever had was when I was selling doors, door-to-door.
Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, 'Parking Fine'
I was at a concert, in the front row and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!". And I replied: "Is that a death fret?".
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I went out to buy some camouflage shirts the other day. Couldn't find any.
Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.
If you were to ask me, 'What is the easiest job in the world?', it would be an Australian psychiatrist. "G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!".
It's tricky when you're both a moth and a sea captain in charge of a ship but up ahead, you see a lighthouse.
People at school thought I had special powers. It was something called "Constant super-vision".
It's hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not.