Blood jokes

Why does the nurse need a red pen?

In case she has to draw blood.

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?

He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?

They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?

She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

Serial killers be like: "Blood is red, veins are blue, next one is YOU."

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

How do you make a little girl cry for a second time?

By wiping her blood off your dick with her teddy bear.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

What's white, black, and red all over?

A zebra who walked into a hunting reserve.

Why did the priest buy a clown suit?

Because the old one had blood all over it.

I have no toes, so I put blood on my foot, and then my other foot got run over, so, ye.

Any girl can be a squirter if you hit the right artery.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

Same time next month?

I tried to get my blood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside.

Closer kin, deeper in!

What's both red, white and sometimes purple?

My arms...

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."