Die

Gavboy

My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying “b positive b positive” but its hard to be positive with him gone

Bartender

Anonymous

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, “I thought you guys only drink blood?”

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, “I’m making tea.”

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Red

Same guy as bellow

Why does the nurse need a red pen?

In case she has to draw blood

Puns

Tenzin da fadafingling

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

1

Drunk

THE FUNNY DUDE

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

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Doctor

Anonymous

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like

Little Johnny

dlm579

Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, “Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?” Mommy xays, “Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy’s garage, now go and play”
A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter. Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, “Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn’t get the back wheels in so l she l took the sissors and cut them off.”

Man

Anonymous

a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying “i’m on my period.” the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she’s done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i’m good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion

5

Friend

Anonymous

I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie … no one could tell that it was their blood

0
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Fire

bigpapi

Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?

He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

2

Paul Walker

Lossinthesauce

If you turn the word racecar backwards it says racecar. But if you turn the racecar sideways you have Paul walkers blood on your hands

2

Wife

Alan Horn

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee, A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after awhile and says, “Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in”.

3

Depression

pls end me .-.

roses are red my blood is too i see a lot when i lost u

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Light

Anonymously dumb

a little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks " whats that" the little boy says that’s my little red race car. 10 minutes later the boy looks down and ask’s whats that,the little girl says "that’s my little red race car garage. so later that night the boy ask’s the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage, She say yes and they pull down there pants and the boy try’s putting his little red race car in her garage but it won’t fit down stairs the mother hears an ear piercing scream and runs up stairs flips on the lights and see’s blood on the floor the mother ask’s "what happened the little girl say’s “we tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn’t fit so i cut the back wheels off”

7

Black And White

Anonymous

What is black and white and is dead? My Chemical Romance

Puns

deadly humor

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

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Ex

Anonymous

My Smoothie Ingredients -Bananas -Strawberry -The Blood of my ex -Peanut Butter

3

Jack and Jill

Anonymous

Jack and jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy Jack got a surprise and blood shot eyes because jill gave him a roofie

Cannibal

Death&Decay

Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued your blood was delectable and so was the rest of you.