Blood

Blood Jokes

Vampire

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

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  • Blood Type

    My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

    Boy

    Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?

    He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

  • 4
  • Brother

    What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?

    They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.

    Mother

    How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?

    She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!

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  • Ex

    My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

    Killer

    Serial killers be like: "Blood is red, veins are blue, next one is YOU."

    Blood Type

    My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

  • 2
  • Rape

    How do you make a little girl cry for a second time?

    By wiping her blood off your dick with her teddy bear.

  • 6
  • Drunk

    Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

  • 6
  • Zebra

    What's white, black, and red all over?

    A zebra who walked into a hunting reserve.

    Priest

    Why did the priest buy a clown suit?

    Because the old one had blood all over it.

    Foot

    I have no toes, so I put blood on my foot, and then my other foot got run over, so, ye.

    Vampire

    What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

    Same time next month?

  • 7
  • Vampire

    I tried to get my blood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside.

    Vampire

    A vampire goes to the bakery.

    Vampire: "One bun, please."

    Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

    Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."