ID jokes

Your mama's so fat, she needed NASA to make her ID card!

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

I'd make you fall harder than the South Tower.

In Junior High, we had to do a report on euthanasia. I misunderstood the report and wrote about how I'd really like a Korean girlfriend.

I'd say you were the spawn of Satan, but that would be an insult to Satan.

An old woman walks into an outdoor supplies store.

"I'd like an infrared gorilla," she says.

The clerk proceeds to give her an infrared gorilla from the back room.

"We've had hundreds of these things in the back for ages," exclaims the clerk. "You're the first person who's actually wanted one."

What's Michael Jackson's favorite things to say to little boys? "I'd really love to see you-hoo-hoo tonight," and "I can't smile without you-hoo-hoo."

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?

I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

In Jr. high, we all had to do a report on euthanasia. I misunderstood and wrote a report on how I'd really like a Korean girlfriend.

I’d pound your mom so fast, even Sonic would get jealous!

Your mom's ass is so petite and big, I'd pound that till the Earth shakes.

I'd tell a child abuse joke, but I forget the punchline.

My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.

I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.

A: What did the podiatrist say to the double amputee?

Q: Sorry, but I can't help you.

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

I’d make fun of transgender women, but that’s low hanging fruit.

I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I’d rather be single than with someone like you.

Roses are red. I love hot food. If I was a bad bitch, I'd wanna fuck me too.

Oh wait, I am.