Health jokes
My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.
My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.
God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"
What is the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"
"Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.
That's what Elliot Rodger did.
Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?
"No."
Yeah, but then he woke up.
Just letting you know if people cry when they see you, that doesn't mean they miss you. That means they're scared of your onion breath.
"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
I'm sorry your dad beat you instead of cancer.
You look like the 0.01 percent of germs the Lysol didn't kill.
So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."
My friends:
Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.
Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.
Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.
Me: You guys are getting sleep...
My ex is like AIDS! I can't get rid of him.
A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"
The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don’t follow you..."
What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.
My grandad broke his legs.
To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.
What time are most dentist appointments? Tooth hurty.
AIDS?
What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?
They have both had a few strokes.