Health jokes

You look like the 0.01 percent of germs the Lysol didn't kill.

What does an electric-type Pokémon say when they get gassy while drinking milk?

I’m Zaptos intolerant!

Depression sucks, and so do you.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had diarrhea.

I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.

I threw a lamp at a depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.

My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.

My anus smells.

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

I got in trouble at school today because I told the teacher at school with COVID to stay positive.

Doctor asks his patient, "What is your zodiac sign?"

Patient replies, "Cancer." Doctor says, "What a coincidence!"

Your teeth are so yellow, you spit butter!

What meds do snakes with ADHD take?

Adder-all.

My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.

I would've made a joke about Alzheimer's, too bad I forgot about it...

An eight-year-old girl struggles to breathe as she lies on a hospital bed and waits for the doctor to come. After the doctor comes, he pulls his cock out of her mouth, and she can breathe much better.

Orphans are like vegans, no one ever remembers the nice ones.

Why are cigarettes good for the environment?

They kill people.

My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.