What time are most dentist appointments? Tooth hurty.
You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"
So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."
What did the man say when he swallowed a clock and tried to go to the bathroom?
WATCH OUT!!!
Q: What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump?
A: Erection fraud. (Just a joke.)
I went to the pharmacy the other day. I tried to buy a pack of condoms, but I pretended I didn't have enough money to mess with the cashier.
I went back into the aisles of the store, got a pack of rubber bands and plastic wrap, bought them, and walked out. I loved the look on the cashier's face when they saw my decision.
A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."
The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
What happened when the American broke his arm?
He went broke.
Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed receiving medical treatment soon after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit Bob and told him this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb peaking mountains, and cross low valleys."
Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
What do you call a disabled person in a sauna?
Steamed veggies!
What's the difference between herpes and my dad?
Herpes stays around.
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."
Why did the blonde chick buy two Plan B pills?
She wanted to be for sure for sure!
A boy is sitting in a dentist chair getting braces, and a dentist comes in and says, "Brace yourself!"
Did you hear about the dyslexic cop? He jumped off his horse and blew his whistle!
My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.
