Health jokes

Depression sucks, and so do you.

What is the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"

"Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.

That's what Elliot Rodger did.

Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?

"No."

Yeah, but then he woke up.

God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

Just letting you know if people cry when they see you, that doesn't mean they miss you. That means they're scared of your onion breath.

Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.

What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.

My ex is like AIDS! I can't get rid of him.

A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"

The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don’t follow you..."

Has anybody heard of the guy who passed out in the middle of oncoming traffic? Yeah, he was tired.

My grandad broke his legs.

To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.

AIDS?

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

If your corona test shows two lines, is that then positive or negative?

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.