Your_mom12345

What's a foot fetishist's favorite food? Hot dogs.

My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

Wife: "I’m pregnant." Husband: "Hi pregnant, I’m dad." Wife: "No, you’re not."

"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.

The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. But the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“What, years? Months?!”

“Nine...”

A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”

Life lesson guys:

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.

"I work with animals," a man said on his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who works with animals. Where do you work?" At the butcher shop"

Why can't Michael Jackson come within 500 meters of a school. Because he's dead. 😁

My grandpa said my generation relies too much on technology. Then I unplugged his life support. :)