Health jokes
I had amnesia once... maybe twice.
Has anybody heard of the guy who passed out in the middle of oncoming traffic? Yeah, he was tired.
What did the man say when he swallowed a clock and tried to go to the bathroom?
WATCH OUT!!!
What does an electric-type Pokémon say when they get gassy while drinking milk?
I’m Zaptos intolerant!
Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.
Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.
Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.
Me: Oh, I already tried that.
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
I went to the pharmacy the other day. I tried to buy a pack of condoms, but I pretended I didn't have enough money to mess with the cashier.
I went back into the aisles of the store, got a pack of rubber bands and plastic wrap, bought them, and walked out. I loved the look on the cashier's face when they saw my decision.
A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."
The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
What happened when the American broke his arm?
He went broke.
Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed receiving medical treatment soon after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit Bob and told him this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb peaking mountains, and cross low valleys."
Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.
What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair smoking weed?
A baked potato.
You know I want an ADHD cure.
When?
Squirrel!
How do you make epileptic kids dance?
Throw a flash bang in their room.
Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
What's a person with Down syndrome's favorite detergent?
Downy.
What's the difference between herpes and my dad?
Herpes stays around.