Health jokes

If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

Okay, so I have a dairy and sugar allergy, and if I eat it, I get REALLY CONSTIPATED, so this is me when I’m constipated ᕙ(⇀‸↼‵‵)ᕗ lol.

I know this isn't an orphan joke, but I didn't know where to say it, so yeah.

I threw a nut at the allergy table and screamed, "YES, TRIPLE KILL!"

With great depression comes great antidepressants.

Doctor, can I please have a new butt? My old one has a hole and a crack in it.

Your mom is so fat that she only knows three letters, which are "KFC."

What is the most expensive type of sex you will ever enjoy in your life? The type which will shorten your life by 5 to 10 years.

How do you know a vampire's sick? If he's coffin (coughing?)

Why did the tomato blush?

Answer: Because it saw the salad dressing.

Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.

What's Juice Wrld's favorite salad? A seizure salad.

How do you poop?

I went to a depressed person and said, "Do you wanna hang with me?"

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite drug?

Battery acid.

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

I can't stand disability jokes.

Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!

What do you give a sick lemon?

A lemon-aid.

Why do babies cry? Cuz they can't suck very well.

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!