Health jokes
My friends:
Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.
Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.
Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.
Me: You guys are getting sleep...
What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.
My ex is like AIDS! I can't get rid of him.
A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"
The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don’t follow you..."
My grandad broke his legs.
To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.
Lete know in the comments
What time are most dentist appointments? Tooth hurty.
AIDS?
Has anybody heard of the guy who passed out in the middle of oncoming traffic? Yeah, he was tired.
I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.
My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
I went to the pharmacy the other day. I tried to buy a pack of condoms, but I pretended I didn't have enough money to mess with the cashier.
I went back into the aisles of the store, got a pack of rubber bands and plastic wrap, bought them, and walked out. I loved the look on the cashier's face when they saw my decision.
A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."
The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
What happened when the American broke his arm?
He went broke.
Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed receiving medical treatment soon after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit Bob and told him this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb peaking mountains, and cross low valleys."
Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.
What do you call it when a girl on her period goes swimming?
A blood bath.
What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair smoking weed?
A baked potato.