Health jokes
Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.
Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?
"No."
Yeah, but then he woke up.
My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.
God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"
My grandad broke his legs.
To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.
Just letting you know if people cry when they see you, that doesn't mean they miss you. That means they're scared of your onion breath.
"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
I'm sorry your dad beat you instead of cancer.
My friends:
Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.
Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.
Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.
Me: You guys are getting sleep...
So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."
My ex is like AIDS! I can't get rid of him.
What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.
A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"
The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don’t follow you..."
What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.
What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?
An erection!
I went to the pharmacy the other day. I tried to buy a pack of condoms, but I pretended I didn't have enough money to mess with the cashier.
I went back into the aisles of the store, got a pack of rubber bands and plastic wrap, bought them, and walked out. I loved the look on the cashier's face when they saw my decision.
A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."
The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
What happened when the American broke his arm?
He went broke.