Habit jokes
How do cats masturbate? They lick they pussy.
Cam likes to peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee a lot.
Why did Sally stare out the window for 24 hours straight?
Sally's used to being blind!
I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
What is the difference between cremation and smoking?
While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.
Given that it's a major guarantee that little boys' underwear will be half off at Kmart thanks to the blue light specials, now you know why Michael Jackson likes to loiter around the store all day long.
My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.
Why does Darth Vader always choke people?
Because he wants them to feel what his Sith Lord does to him in bed.
Why is Helen Keller's snatch always sore?
She wipes with a Brillo pad.
All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.
Ni tshike mbangi bcz ani zaha toilet, nikarhi Ni hlometela out side loko tiniba. Ni hlometela ndzeni ka poto.
A monk asks the priest if it's okay to kiss a nun.
The priest replies, "Just as long as you don't get in the habit!"
What’s the difference between the way you watch porn and I watch porn?
The windows we look through.
Straight men change their girlfriends like they change their undies. So, about once a month.
In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?
They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.
One day I caught my sister talking to my girlfriend, and she said, "You never told me you're lesbian." I said, "No, not at all." My girlfriend asked, "Why did you not tell her?" and I said, "Because every time I bring a girl home, I hear too much noise in her room, and I never get the chance to kiss them because she's cleaning the trash." She said, "Yeah, the trash is her junk."
What's white and black and red all over? A nun that fell down stairs.
My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.
How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?
Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.