Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself…
Where the f*ck is my roof?
“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”
“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”
Why did they invent glow in the dark condoms So gay guys can play star wars
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died. – She was eaten by a giant crab.
If I was an object in this world I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I’m a star! Because one of these days I’m going to crash and burn…
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.
If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I’m like an eggshell… broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I’m like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I’m like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I’m like a shity book cover… because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety
Help me…
What is the most popular fish in the ocean? A star fish
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? – Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.
My girlfiends a p... star
She kill me if she found out
my new girl friend is a p... star she would probably kill me if she found out
Sixty years ago Stephen Hawkings teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams kids reach for the stars.
What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? – “Make it sew.”
So I ran into my Specialist Doctor and he said “pick a star sign, any star sign” so I said "Capricorn " and he said “nah you got cancer”.
What kind of car does yoda drive. A toyoda
My girlfriend is a p... star. – She will kill me if she finds out.
After watching Star Wars 8, I have to say Snoke was half the man I expected him to be.
What do you call a kid watching Star Wars by themselves?
Hans Solo.
How many ears does Captain Picard have? – Three: A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear.
What does a Tusken Raider eat after his meal? Some Desert!