Health jokes

I threw a lamp at a depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.

I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had diarrhea.

My friends:

Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.

Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.

Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.

Me: You guys are getting sleep...

You look like the 0.01 percent of germs the Lysol didn't kill.

So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."

What does an electric-type Pokémon say when they get gassy while drinking milk?

I’m Zaptos intolerant!

What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.

My ex is like AIDS! I can't get rid of him.

A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"

The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don’t follow you..."

My grandad broke his legs.

To cheer him up, I bought him a Walkman.

What did the man say when he swallowed a clock and tried to go to the bathroom?

WATCH OUT!!!

Has anybody heard of the guy who passed out in the middle of oncoming traffic? Yeah, he was tired.

What do people that can only use half their face and wankers have in common?

They have both had a few strokes.

I had amnesia once... maybe twice.

AIDS?

What time are most dentist appointments? Tooth hurty.

Doctor asks his patient, "What is your zodiac sign?"

Patient replies, "Cancer." Doctor says, "What a coincidence!"

Man: *steals drink*

Boy: bro😭😭

Man: Why are u crying over a drink?

Boy: That had drugs.

Man: ....

A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"