Health jokes

I threw a lamp at a depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.

I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"

Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?

"No."

Yeah, but then he woke up.

I'm sorry your dad beat you instead of cancer.

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.

Just letting you know if people cry when they see you, that doesn't mean they miss you. That means they're scared of your onion breath.

So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."

My friends:

Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.

Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.

Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.

Me: You guys are getting sleep...

My ex is like AIDS! I can't get rid of him.

What couldn’t the boy in the wheelchair do when he saw a bully? He couldn’t stand up for himself.

Has anybody heard of the guy who passed out in the middle of oncoming traffic? Yeah, he was tired.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.

What's the difference between milk and a cancer patient?

There's none, they both don't age well.

If your corona test shows two lines, is that then positive or negative?

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.