Health jokes

I threw a lamp at a depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.

My friends:

Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.

Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.

Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.

Me: You guys are getting sleep...

What does an electric-type Pokémon say when they get gassy while drinking milk?

I’m Zaptos intolerant!

So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."

You look like the 0.01 percent of germs the Lysol didn't kill.

An eight-year-old girl struggles to breathe as she lies on a hospital bed and waits for the doctor to come. After the doctor comes, he pulls his cock out of her mouth, and she can breathe much better.

Orphans are like vegans, no one ever remembers the nice ones.

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hey Donut.

Why are cigarettes good for the environment?

They kill people.

My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.

My anus smells.

Depression sucks, and so do you.

What is the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"

"Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.

That's what Elliot Rodger did.

Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?

"No."

Yeah, but then he woke up.

I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨