Health jokes

What is the difference between me and cancer?

My mom did beat cancer.

So skinny you have to run around in the shower to get wet.

Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"

I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000."

But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.

I went to McDonald's and I saw a line of fat people because they were selling free hamburgers.

It's all fun and games until they start dancing.

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

What's an edible part of a wheelchair?

A vegetable!

Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.

Doc: What's wrong with that?

Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.

I know a girl in a wheelchair. I realize now why she couldn’t do sports because the coaches wanted 100% from her, but she was only able to give 50%.

A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....

Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't wanna say this, but I have the flu.

The FitnessGramTM Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20-meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.

Level 1 Feel it One Two Three Four Five Six Seven; end of level one.

Robert doesn’t see people, the man just sees meals.

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"

What do you get if you do not eat? Dry.

Which is more disabling, autism, ADHD, or Down syndrome?

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Would you rather get a massage from a man or get major surgery from a woman?

Why couldn't the girl brush her hair?

..... She had cancer.... ;)