Health jokes
In the hospital, I saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep. The ICU was going beep beep beep. I think that's why she can't sleep, so I turned it off. She's asleep forever now. Nighty night.
I think we should change Alzheimer’s disease to Joe Biden disease.
What’s the hardest part to eat on a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
I think I gave you the coronavirus because I can't stop staring, a-choo!
They struggled to lift the weights, but I got watermelon to keep me in shape.
What was the winning play at the leper football game?
A hand off up the middle.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
I just found out I'm colorblind!
The diagnosis came completely out of the orange!
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
How did the skeleton know it was gonna rain?
He could feel it in his bones!
Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.
Why did the autistic kid walk across a busy road?
He was chasing his mind and got hit by a car.
Someone asked me what the lines on my wrist were from. I answered, "My cat has OCD."
What did the bird do when he ate the expired worm?
He flew up!
You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.
Died and came back sped. I call that rien-tardation.
Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.
The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...
Father: I'm taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Doctor: I'm going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?
The emo girl still bleeds.
Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.