Health jokes
Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”
Patient: “Give me the good news first.”
Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”
Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
I have nut cancer...
Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.
The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...
Father: I'm taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Doctor: I'm going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?
The emo girl still bleeds.
Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.
After seeing you sing, the dog got disinfected from rabies.
You call me a prostitute's son, I call you test-tube babies.
Your mummy so skinny, she can't eat!
Q: What's the difference between an abortion clinic and Uber Eats?
A: The abortion clinic doesn't deliver.
*text conversation boy: When you kiss someone, you burn 15 calories. Wanna burn calories together sometime?
girl: Are you saying I'm fat?
Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...
It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shiii fuck ur mom.
Friend: Your t-shirt is cringe.
Me: You should go get the Covid test because one of their symptoms is no taste.
My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.
What would be the most heartbreaking scene in a dementia film? I forgor 💀.
Yo mama so fat they faked COVID-19 just to put a mask on her.
What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer... no stage 5.
You know why women wear tampons?
So the crabs could bungee jump!
What kind of milk does a new age calf drink?
Dairy free.
Why did the autistic kid walk across a busy road?
He was chasing his mind and got hit by a car.
I need a new butt. This one has a hole in it.