Health jokes
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."
What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.
There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.
China wants their name on everything but the m.f. virus.
Zion's so fat, when he walks, he breaks his mama's back.
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
Why can’t mental hospitals have Halloween?
Because the patients thought the pumpkins were them. I tried.
Why do babies cry? Cuz they can't suck very well.
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.
My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.
Why did Sally drop her ice cream cone?
Because she got hit by a bus.
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have anty-bodies.
What do you call people with ADHD?
A brainless speeder.
What do you call diarrhea from a hot woman? Chocolate milk.
What do you call diarrhea from a fat woman? Arsenic.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
Keep yourself safe!
What do you call an epileptic in a swimming pool? A dishwasher.
I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.
Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.