Health jokes
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
What do you call a group of letters that like to dance but make you want to poop?
A vowel movement.
What’s the worst part about eating vegetables? Putting them back in the wheelchair.
What day should you drink water?
Thursday, Thirstday!
Why should you never tell your French doctor that you bite your tongue?
Because your French doctor will give you a tetanus shot.
I've been going to the dentist for a while now, I know the drill.
I got shot once. Now I'm holey.
What can you do if you can't bear sharing the same blood as your father who raped you?
Have a blood transfusion.
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
...Because there's always a cast!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."
Okay, so one time a deaf kid got into a car accident, but he didn't herd in on the news.
Me: Knock, knock.
Other person: Who’s there?
Me: Atch.
Other person: Atch who?
Me: Bless you!
In the hospital, I saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep. The ICU was going beep beep beep. I think that's why she can't sleep, so I turned it off. She's asleep forever now. Nighty night.
Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.
Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.
The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...
Father: I'm taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Doctor: I'm going to have to turn you away.
Orphan: But why?
Someone: Stop making jokes about sh!
Me: Oh, sorry man, I'll cut it out, I'll cut it out deep!
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?
The emo girl still bleeds.
Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.