Health jokes

You’re so fat; if you go outside now, you’d be arrested for breaking social distancing guidelines.

What goes oOoOo on your breath that scared away the animals from the farm?

When I saw your face, it instantly made me throw up.

You're so fat that I run around you for exercise.

Yo mama's so fat, I run around her for exercise.

Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.

What does a pregnant lady and pigs have in common?

They're both fat.

Why can't orphans smoke?

They don't have parents ._.

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!

What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?

DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!

Well, we've removed all of the excess fat from your body, and all that's left, I'm afraid, is the wig, Mrs. Trump.

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because she was crummy.

What did the toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed.

What has 1 head, 1 foot, and 4 legs? A bed.

If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?

Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!

In Alabama... How do you know your sister is having periods? Your dad's penis tastes like blood.

Meat stands for: M - monitoring, E - evaluating, A - assessing/addressing, T - treatment.

So when you're shoving meat up people's asses, then you're monitoring them, evaluating them, assessing them, and treating them.

Yo mama so hairy, you almost died from a rug burn!

Why should old women never eat seafood?

'Cause then she'll start acting crabby.

Q: What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a tomato?

A: A tomato isn't a vegetable.