Health jokes

What can you do if you can't bear sharing the same blood as your father who raped you?

Have a blood transfusion.

What do depressed teenagers and fruits have in common?

They both hang by something.

Why didn't the doctor help the orphan?

Because he was a family doctor!

How to get rid of non-vaccinators: call water a "dehydration vaccine."

I work on medicine; my job is to smell it to see if it's bad :)

I've been going to the dentist for a while now, I know the drill.

I got shot once. Now I'm holey.

What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?

Time to get outside!

As a doctor myself, that nurse was very slow, she tested my patience!

Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?

He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.

What part in the body does an adult not need but actually needs to live?

A KIDNey!

What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?

DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!

If I were to not eat the last biscuit, I would feel "crumby."

Why did the man sit on his porch and bark at the postman when he came?

Because his dog had a sore throat!

What’s the difference between masturbation and brain damage?

After a few strokes, there’s no going back.

What did the bird do when he ate the expired worm?

He flew up!

You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.

A disabled man stands up.

A blind man says, "You can stand?"

A deaf man says, "You can see?"

A mute person says, "You can hear?"

The disabled man says, "You can talk!"

Doctor: "What the actual f**k"

Someone asked me what the lines on my wrist were from. I answered, "My cat has OCD."

What do kids call a balanced meal?

A hamburger in each hand! XD XD XD XD