Health jokes

Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

But, smoking bacon will cure it!

It's tiring being straight 24/7.

What's the difference between a (hypothetical) girl and cancer?

Her dad didn't beat cancer.

What's the difference between fruit and a freshly killed corpse?

I don't eat the fruit.

Somebody give me a peanut. I just ate an EpiPen.

Why did the autistic kid walk across a busy road?

He was chasing his mind and got hit by a car.

A fat man was checking his weight and sucking in his fat belly. A physicist saw it and said that's not how the law of conservation of mass works.

Plot twist: The fat man jumped on the physicist and proved him wrong. Now the physicist doesn't have mass.

Cancer kids be like: "When I grow up... lol nevermind."

This joke never gets old. Just like the child.

Why did two dumb blondes put condoms on the cow's udders because they wanted the cow to practice safe sex?

When you were born, your mom said you were out of bounds, so you went flying out of the hospital.

A man bought steroids from Amazon.com... He was expecting a big package to come!

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?

Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.

The moment when you're too depressed to fantasize about death--it's so tiring.

I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.

The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"

My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."

You are so fat you tried to eat the word "edible."

I went to a depressed person and said, "Do you wanna hang with me?"

I'm throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants.

Let me know if you can't cum.

What's green and has a thousand nipples?

A garbage bag in the alley behind a breast cancer clinic.

If girls are vegan, why do they suck dick?